


I Hold The 12 Flowers Tightly In My Hands

by CoffeeandKpop



Series: Angsty Seventeen Fics [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Freeform, Graphic, M/M, Most of the members are jerks, Panic Attacks, Sad, Self-Harm, Seungkwan is going through shit yall, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, also Wonkwan a little bit maybe, be prepared to cry, jeonghan and Jihoon especially, jihoon is a piece of shit in this story, this ones sad yall, what does freeform mean?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-01-15 01:54:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 21,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18488893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeandKpop/pseuds/CoffeeandKpop
Summary: 'That night, for the 4,000th time in his life, Seungkwan cried himself to sleep,And nobody ever knew.'Seungkwan has spent his entire life keeping his terrible, dark thoughts to himself, until it becomes too much for him to handle.AlternativelySeungkwan really just be going through some shit.





	1. Lazy

**Author's Note:**

> Despite what the title implies, this is NOT first person POV

_'You're the worst one here. You're pulling everyone down. They'd be better off without you.'_

Those are the thoughts that have been running through Seungkwan's mind for his entire life. Whether it was his kindergarten kickball games, or his middle school gym class, or his 10th grade choir. He never felt like he was good enough; he never thought he was worth it, but he's numb to these thoughts now. He's used to it. 

For as long as he could remember, he's always been pretty indifferent to the thought of dying. He found it somewhat comforting; like a last resort way of escaping his problems. 

This is why he wasn't afraid to do stupid shit when he was a kid, like climbing up a really high tree and not being scared of falling, or crossing the street without looking and not be worried about getting hit, or sticking a pair of metal tongs into a toaster. The fact that he's still alive bewilders him to this day. 

_'Nobody actually likes you. They think you're lazy. They wish you weren't here.'_

Becoming an idol only reinforced the dark thoughts that plagued Seungkwan's brain. He's constantly in the public eye, every embarrassing detail of his life has been shared on camera, everyone is judging him constantly. 

The dark thoughts still burn, screaming at him from the back of his head every day, but he lives with it. He puts on a plastic smile and goes about his day, despite subconsciously wishing it'd be his last. 

He's used to it. 

He's numb to any other emotion besides emptiness. 

•••

A rainy Monday night in the middle of March. Seventeen are learning the choreography to their new title track. It's been 4 hours, they're exhausted, some more than others. 

"Guys please, just one more run through!" Soonyoung whined, stamping his foot on the floor like a toddler. 

The other 12 boys had already gone to get water, dripping with sweat, moaning and groaning about Soonyoung's request. 

"One more. One and only one, it's almost 9:00pm," Seungcheol replied sternly, setting his water down and walking back to the middle of the floor. 

The rest of the men got to their start positions, preparing to dance. At some point in the song, Seungkwan stepped the wrong way and accidentally crushed Jeonghan's toes, earning a yelp of pain on his behalf. 

_'Wait to fuck it up, idiot.'_

"S-sorry hyung!" The younger stuttered, trying to get back on track. However, Seungkwan overcorrected, causing him to trip over Jihoon's leg. He slammed into the cold, wooden floor; hitting his face.   
He ignored the dull pain in his cheek, scrambling to stand up and not cause any more harm. He essentially bullshitted his way through most of the dance, silently thanking God when the song was finally over. 

As practice came to a close, Seungkwan sat down up against the wall, chugging some of his water. The rest of the guys did the same. 

"That was great, guys. You're all doing so well with this choreo..Umm actually, Seungkwan, I think you may need to work on it a little," Soonyoung explained, attempting to be gentle about it. 

Seungkwan's face turned red as he nodded in response, standing up and taking another gulp of his water. 

"I guess Kwannie's been slacking, huh?" Jihoon mumbled offhandedly, smirking. 

Junhui chuckled, "Too much time on the couch, not enough time in the studio," he joked, running his hand through his bleach-blonde hair. 

_'Your hyungs are right. You've been lazy,'_

Seungkwan was mortified, "I-uh-I'm sorry guys. I'll practice more.." He said meekly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Guys cmon, let up. You're being a little too hard on Seungkwan," Seungcheol defended, crossing his arms at Junhui and Jihoon. He turned to Seungkwan, his expression softening, "Soonyoung just wants you to be more confident with the choreography. Right Soonyoung?"

"Hyung's right," Soonyoung agreed, smiling encouragingly, "Maybe tomorrow you can get an extra hour of practice in; but for now let's go home, eat dinner, and crash."

"That sounds great," Jeonghan agreed, practically sprinting out of the practice room.   
The rest of the guys happily followed. 

Seungkwan didn't know how to feel. He HAS been lazy lately, he deserved to be reprimanded; but did Jihoon and Junhui really have to call him out like that?!   
He swallowed down the lump in his throat, following the other guys out of the Pledis building. 

•••

After picking up some Indian takeout, they headed back to the dorms. Sitting at their kitchen table to eat dinner (it's 3 tables pushed together). 

The table was full of jovial, but still tired conversation. Jokes and banter filled the room as they ate. 

I can't wait for our comeback next month!" Chan mumbled, his mouth stuffed with noodles, he had curry sauce dripping down his chin. 

Seungcheol shoved a wad of napkins at him, "Wipe your mouth, you punk!" He teased. 

Jeonghan, Mingyu and Jihoon chuckled at their maknae's expense before returning to their own meals. 

Jisoo, Junhui, and Seokmin were discussing the topic of their upcoming meeting, "I think we should do a cute concept again." Junhui suggested, shaking his massy, blonde hair out of his face. 

"I wanna do a sexy concept!" Seokmin mocked, making an innapropriate gesture. 

Hansol laughed at his hyung's behavior, almost choking on his food. 

Minghao, Soonyoung, and Wonwoo were having a quite loud argument about dinosaurs, "Ok all I'm saying is that if the T-Rexes just had longer arms-" Soonyoung began. 

"-for the last time, It doesn't matter, hyung! The meteor still would've hit and they still would've died!" Minghao argued back, slamming his fists on the table.

Seungkwan witnessed all of this unfold from his seat at the very end of the table. He hadn't said a word since dance practice ended, no one seemed to notice.   
He reached out toward the middle of the table, grabbing a takeout box and shoveling its contents onto his plate as a 2nd helping. He was about to take a large bite of chicken curry when...

"You might wanna slow your roll on the curry there, Seungkwan," Jeonghan chuckled, taking a sip of water. 

Seungkwan raised a curious eyebrow, "W-what?" 

"Well, you're starting to look a bit...round; so you might want to consider some smaller portion sizes for a while..." Jeonghan trailed off, avoiding eye contact. 

_'He's right. You've gotten fat. You're fat and lazy, idols aren't supposed to be like that. Get it together and try harder!'_

Seungkwan put his chopsticks down, abruptly shoving his plate away, "You're right, hyung. I'm...full. I'm full," he said quietly, once again swallowing the lump in his throat.   
He sat still in his chair as he watched everyone else continue to eat; his hand curled into a tight fist. His fingernails dug hard into his palm, making him wince slightly. The pain was somehow kinda comforting, it gave Seungkwan something to feel other than the constant dull ache in his chest. 

He looked under the table and saw blood dripping down his hand and onto his jeans. He let out a sigh, his shoulders slumping slightly. 

Seungkwan abruptly stood up from the table, "Ok I'm gonna go shower and then crash," he announced to everyone before hastily leaving, "G'night," he called as he walked away, giving a backhanded wave as he disappeared into next room. 

He got to the bathroom, wiping the blood off of his hands, taking a quick shower and throwing on some pajamas. 

Seungkwan shut the door to his bedroom, turning off the lights and flopping down into his bed. He faced the wall, covers pulled up to his chin, recalling the events of that day. 

_'They're all sick of you. You're the weak link.'_

Bucketfuls of guilt and shame swam through his head. Thinking about how all of the other guys are mad at him made him sick to his stomach. The lump in his throat returned, tears threatening to fall into his pillow; he didn't stop it this time. He let out a sob, squeezing his eyes shut; the hot liquid stung against his cold cheeks. 

_'You're such a failure. You don't deserve to call yourself an idol.'_

*creak*

The bedroom door opened. A beam of light shone into the room from the hallway, but it was quickly pulled away by the door shutting again. 

Seungkwan froze, cold in his tracks, his breath hitching. Footsteps sounded throughout the room, getting louder as they got closer to him. 

"Seungkwan. Seungkwan, are you awake?" Junhui whispered, tapping him on the shoulder. 

The younger remained still, pretending to be asleep. After a couple seconds of silence, Junhui walked away, getting into his bed, which was across the room from Seungkwan's. 

Seungkwan relaxed, letting out the sobs he'd been holding in, muffling them with his blanket so Junhui wouldn't hear; his pillowcase became further soaked with his tears. 

' _How pathetic. You're such a failure. Just try harder, then maybe the other guys wouldn't hate you.'_

That night, Seungkwan cried himself to sleep, his body aching from the emotional stress, his mind beaten down from all of the dark thoughts. A robot, who barely knows how to feel happy anymore; A shell of the person he used to be. 

That night, for the 4,000th time in his life, Seungkwan cried himself to sleep,

And nobody ever knew.


	2. Weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where it gets sad y'all

Seungkwan woke up the next morning with an ache in his chest, remembering the events of last night. He promised himself that he'd do better. He promised himself that he wouldn't let the other guys down again. 

He rolled out of bed, groaning in pain from his sore muscles. He left his room, walking into the kitchen and pouring himself a cup of black coffee. 

Most of his hyungs sat around the kitchen table, stuffing their faces with food. 

"Seungkwannie, sit! Have some breakfast! Jeonghan-hyung made waffles!" Seokmin announced excitedly, a beaming grin plastered onto his face as he took a bite of a waffle. 

_'Waffles are fattening, you shouldn't be eating that stuff.'_

Seungkwan flashed a polite smile, "I'm alright, thanks," he mumbled curtly, speed walking out of the kitchen and back to his bedroom where he drank his coffee alone.

•••

The rest of the day went like any other; Seungkwan left the dorm early to go to the gym, staying for at least an 2 hours. Then he headed to the Pledis building to record a new song, attend a meeting, eat lunch, ect.   
At 5:00, Seungkwan entered the practice room an hour before the others, working on the choreography by himself. 

The hour went by fairly quickly. Before he knew it, the other guys were already coming in and ready to practice. 

He thought he had the moves down. He really thought he did, but he still made a couple mistakes while practicing. 

_'Wow, what a loser. You're weak, Seungkwan. Weak!'_

After 3 tiring hours, the members decided to call it a day and head home. They packed up their things and filed out of the room, leaving only one person behind. 

"Yeah, you guys go ahead, I'm going to stay and practice a while longer," Seungkwan announced, not receiving a response. He assumed they didn't hear him, when in reality, they just didn't care. 

The clock on the wall read 9:30pm. 

Seungkwan played the song and did the routine once more.

_'Not good enough,'_

He went through the choreography again.

_'Still not good enough.'_

He did it again. 

_'You'll never be as good as them.'_

Again. 

_'You should just give up now.'_

Again.

_'You're weak, they're better off without you,'_

Again. Again! AGAIN!

Before he knew it, the clock on the wall read 11:05pm. 

Seungkwan stumbled over to his bag to get some water. His body dripped with sweat, every muscle in his body ached. His knees almost buckled beneath him as he struggled to walk in a straight line. 

He approached one of the large mirrors that lined the wall, examining his reflection. 

Jeonghan was right, he is getting chubby. His face looked rounder than it used to, his arms were bigger, his legs had new stretch marks, and his stomach was getting softer and more pudgy.

Seungkwan hated himself. He hated every single thing about himself. 

_'What kind of idol would let himself get like this?'_

He sighed, averting his gaze from the god awful reflection, "One more time. I'll practice the dance one more time, then I'll go home," Seungkwan whispered to himself as he put his water bottle down and returned to his starting position and telling Alexa™ to play the song. 

The moment the song ended, Seungkwan's legs gave out beneath him. He laid on the cold, wooden floor, too tired to move. He was exhausted and in pain, his joints ached, his muscles burned, and his head throbbed. 

Eventually, his breathing evened out and his body relaxed slightly. 

_'You're weak. You're so weak and pathetic and that's why you don't deserve to be an idol. You don't deserve to be successful. You don't even deserve to be happy. They wish you weren't around, they hate you. Everyone does,'_

He stared at the bright, fluorescent bulbs above him; the picture soon becoming a blurry mess of light. A lump formed in his throat and his face felt even hotter than in already did. He squeezed his eyes shut, tears rapidly dripping down his temples and into his sweat-soaked hair. He let out a stifled sob, rolling onto his side and pulling his knees into his chest. 

That night, Seungkwan cried himself to sleep on the hard, wooden floor of a cold, empty room; all by himself. Alone. Isolated. Invisible. 

That night, for the 4,001st time in his life, Seungkwan cried himself to sleep,

And nobody ever knew.


	3. Desperate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: this is where it gets pretty dark, guys. Seriously depressing shit right here. Just letting y'all know, if you're gonna get triggered at selfharm/depression stuff, maybe skip this chapter.

The lights to the Pledis building must've shut off in the middle of the night or something because when Seungkwan woke up, the practice room was pitch black. 

Needless to say, it was terrifying. A huge, pitch black room; so quiet that you could head a pin drop, of course that would spook someone. 

He slowly sat up, recalling the events of last night. Once his eyes adjusted to the light, Seungkwan crawled over to his bag and checked his phone. The bright, white light of the phone screen illuminated the room. 

The clock read 6:55AM. 

"Oh no," Seungkwan said out loud, his voice hoarse. 

He checks his phone again. No calls or texts.  
His shoulders slumped, disappointed and slightly hurt. 

_'They didn't notice that you never came home last night. They don't even miss you,'_

"I gotta get the fuck outta dodge!"

Seungkwan collected his things and ran out of the room. The hallway was devoid of people, the morning sunrise shone in from the window. He ran down the numerous flights of stairs, and through the lobby. He finally reached the main exit from the building, shakily grasping at the door handle, attempting to yank it open. 

The door is locked...

 

From the outside. 

"FUCK!" He groaned, kicking the metal door in frustration, which hurt him more than it hurt the door.

He leaned up against the wall next to the door, sliding down to the ground and drawing his knees up to his chest. 

Seungkwan knew the rest of Seventeen weren't going to come into work until at least 9:00am; in fact, they were probably still sleeping, so there was no use in calling. 

After only a couple of minutes, another Pledis idol came in. Seungkwan didn't notice that the person unlocked the door, he was startled to see someone suddenly standing in front of him. 

"S-Seungkwan-Sunbaenim? What are you doing here?" The young rookie asked, scratching her head in confusion, her long, brown hair falling into her face. 

He quickly stood up, becoming eye level with the girl.  
Seungkwan knew he probably looked disgusting; sweaty, smelly, tear stained, no makeup, not showered, and wearing yesterday's clothes. He cautiously stepped away from her, not wanting her to smell him, "I-um...I fell asleep in the practice room..." He trailed off. 

The young girl momentarily glanced down at the ground before resuming eye contact with Seungkwan, "Oh-uh...ok. Do you need a ride back to your dorm or something?" She mumbled, her big eyes glistened in the morning sunlight. 

_'She's quite cute,'_ he thought to himself. 

Seungkwan hesitated for several seconds, realizing that he'd have to walk there otherwise, "Only if it's not too much of an inconvenience."

_'It is. She doesn't really want to do that, she was just being nice.'_

Her face lit up, "Ok, let's go. I have the van keys for my group. They won't mind if I take you home real quick," she explained, grabbing Seungkwan's hand and leading him out of the building and to (presumably) her car. 

She climbed into the driver's seat and Seungkwan settled into shotgun. They left the parking lot, turning on to a main Seoul road. Seungkwan pulled his house key (on its Minnie Mouse keychain) out of his pocket, holding it tight in his hand. 

Several minutes were occupied be a painfully long silence and the occasional swears that the girl would mumble to herself when someone cut in front of her on the road. 

"What's bothering you?" She asked, completely unprovoked. 

"W-what?" Seungkwan was caught off guard by the line of questioning. His grip on his keychain tightened, the key itself poking into his stomach slightly. 

"You fell asleep in a practice room? Do you know how tired you have to be to do that? No one practices that much unless they're trying to distract themselves from something," she explained, her eyes focused on the road. 

The blonde-haired male let out a sigh, "Sometimes it feels like I'm not good enough to be an idol, like I don't deserve this," he quietly admitted, not sure why he was telling this random stranger his problems; for some reason, he found this girl easy to talk to. 

She nodded, "Seungkwan-sunbaenim, you're not the only one that thinks that. Everyone underestimates themselves. You are one of the most talented and inspirational idols I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Sometimes it feels like everyone hates you, but you have to remember that there's still those people out there that look up to you and care about you," -she glanced at Seungkwan, smiling slightly- "Y'know, when my group debuted, a lot of people thought I was too fat and that I should lose weight. I said 'fuck them' and look where I am now; driving THE Boo Seungkwan to his dorm. I'm living the good life!" she chuckled at the end, "Trust me, Seungkwan-sunbaenim, the guys in your group, they love you. They care about you; don't forget that."

Seungkwan smiled at her kind words, "Wow..thank you for...that," he said slowly, his eyes lighting up when they reached his dorm building, "Oh, this is my place."

They pulled up to a large apartment building, stopping in front of the front door. Seungkwan hopped out of the car, "Thank you so so much for everything! By the way, I don't think I ever got your name," He pointed out. 

"The name's Kyla Massie, don't wear it out," she explained with a smirk. 

"You're pretty easy to talk to, Kyla," Seungkwan mumbled, smiling at her. 

Kyla laughed, "Well let me know if you ever want to talk again," she handed him a piece of paper with a phone number on it before shutting the passenger door and driving away. 

Seungkwan stood there, overcome with befuddlement, "Did...did I just make a friend?"

•••

After entering Kyla's number into his phone, Seungkwan headed upstairs to his dorm. By now it was almost 7:45, they should definitely be awake by this point. 

Seungkwan pushed the door open, he immediately heard exuberant voices from the kitchen. 

"Pancakes are done!" He heard Jisoo announce. 

Cheers erupted from the other side of the dorm. Seungkwan quietly walked in, kicking off his shoes and entering it kitchen, interrupting their breakfast with his presence. 

"Morning, Guys!" He announced in a loud, deadpan tone. 

Nobody gave him a second glance. 

"MORNING GUYS!" Seungkwan followed up, practically yelling, raising his arms in the air. 

This time, their conversations halted and the attention was (finally) on Seungkwan. 

"Hey, did you just wake up?! God, you smell like a dumpster. Kwannie, please go shower!" Jeonghan scolded, ruffling the younger's hair as he walked past him. Everyone's conversations quickly picked back up and once again Seungkwan was being completely ignored.

_'Why are you so surprised? Of course they don't care about you. They never cared about you.'_

His vision got blurry, he felt a lump in his throat, same shit as always. He stormed off, booking it into the bathroom and slamming the door. He threw his clothes off, jumping into the shower and hastily washing himself. He was still crying when he got out of the shower, stifling his sobs so the others wouldn't hear. 

After drying off and wrapping a towel around his waist, he dug around in his toiletry bag for his shaving razor, which he found, pulling it out. The razor slipped out of his hands, breaking apart when it hit the floor. 

Seungkwan hastily tried to retrieve the pieces, shoveling them into his hands. He stopped when he felt something sharp in his palm. 

The razor blade. 

He picked it up, holding it between his fingers, just staring at it; his other hand still dripping blood. 

_'Do it. You'll feel so much better. Do it. Do it. Do it!'_

Seungkwan didn't think twice. 

The edge of the blade sliced open the soft skin of his forearm, stinging like a motherfucker. He was right, he did feel better...he felt SOMETHING. 

He did it again, dragging the razor across his inner forearm. Blood dripped onto the floor. Salty tears ran down his face, some got into his mouth; he stifled a sob. His hands shook as he relished in the self-inflicted pain. 

Finally, something that he could control. The pain was on his terms. 

He wiped up the blood with some toilet paper, cleaning his wounds, and putting the razor blade into his toiletry bag. He left the bathroom, shuffling back to his bedroom and putting on some clothes. 

An oversized sweater and black jeans, that should do.

He fell into bed, burying his face into a pillow and wishing he didn't have to face the rest of the day.  
His fresh wounds stung, being rubbed up against the fabric of his sweater.  
He laid there for a while, he might've fallen asleep, he didn't know.

By the time the others were all done eating breakfast and they were about to leave, Seungkwan's meditative state was ruined when Junhui burst into their shared bedroom, an inpatient look painted on his face, "Kwannie, are you done getting ready yet? We're running late," he said sternly. 

Seungkwan jumped, sitting bolt upright in his bed; his bleach blonde hair sticking up in every direction. 

_'They're mad at you for making them late. Hurry your ass up!'_

He gulped, tugging down his sweater sleeves, "Y-yeah hyung, I was just about to..be...done...sorry," he mumbled, his eyes shifting around the room, avoiding Junhui's annoyed stare. 

Soon enough, all 13 of the boys left the dorm, headed to work that day. 

No one knew that Seungkwan never came home the previous night. 

No one knew that Seungkwan had bloodstains on his sweater sleeves. 

They only knew that he slept late and took too long to get ready, causing them to be late.


	4. Ruined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some ANGSTY ANGST y'all

Another day, another grueling gym session awaited Seungkwan.   
It took him very little time to realize that he hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours. After an hour an the gym, he was dying. 

_'If you don't eat now, you'll pass out during danc practice and your hyungs will be even more mad at you.'_

Once Seungkwan finished at the gym, he booked it to the Pledis cafeteria, which was adorned with its usual spread of delicious food. 

He got himself a salad, 2 protein bars, and a zero calorie energy drink. He sat himself in the very corner of the cafeteria.   
He figured that amount of food and caffeine could keep him going for the rest of the day and he could have a decent dinner,

_'Maybe if Jeonghan-hyung doesn't shame you for wanting food this time,'_

He stared at his plate, drowning out the rest of the room, getting lost in his thoughts. 

"What's up, buttercup?" A cheerful voice erupted from in front of him. 

Seungkwan looked up from the table. Kyla, the girl from earlier, was sitting down across from him at the small, square table. 

"Hey, Kyla," he greeted, attempting to be polite. He flashed a fake smile before returning to his salad. 

"Were they worried about you? Did they cry when you came home? What happened?" She asked, weirdly invested in his personal life. 

Seungkwan hesitated, making eye contact with the young girl, "Yeah...they were really worried about me. M-my phone died so I didn't see all of the texts and voicemails they'd left me." He lied, anxiously pulling at his sweater sleeves. 

_'Well great, now you've gone and lied to her. If she finds out, she's gonna hate you, too.'_

Kyla beamed, "Well, I'm glad to hear that things are going ok with your group. You guys never have any drama, it sounds so...peaceful. So much easier than my group, always drama and fights with our managers or with the netizens. It's rediculous!" -She ranted, taking a big bite of her sandwich- "You're so lucky, things must be so great in your group usually."

Her words lit an angry fire in Seungkwan's chest. He stared at his food, avoiding eye contact with her, "If only you knew how wrong you were," he said in almost a growl, his voice low. He looked back up at her, smirking bitterly.

Seungkwan examined the shocked expression on Kyla's face before he quickly back peddled on his words, "I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. You're right, things are...great. Things are great," he chuckled. 

_'Well shit now you've scared her. If she didn't hate you before, she certainly does now.'_

"Anyway," -Kyla was hasty to change the subject- "Are you hyped for Twice's comeback this week? I'm super hyped for it!" She squealed, continuing to eat her food. 

Seungkwan finished up his protien bars, "Uhh, yeah, definitely!" He smiled at her. 

"Have you met anyone in twice?" She asked. 

"Unfortunately, no, but I'd love to meet them sometime. What other idols would you like to meet?" He asked, sipping on his energy drink, tapping the can with his fingers. 

"I want to meet Monsta X, especially Changkyun-sunbaenim," Her eyes lit up when she said his name. 

Seungkwan nodded in agreement, "Oh you're gonna love him. He's hilarious. He's like me, except he's good looking and talented," he joked, rolling his eyes. 

Kyla practically scoffed, "Excuse me, Mr. Boo, you aren't half bad yourself."

The older soon finished his lunch and stood up from his seat, "I've gotta go back to work now, but this was nice. Do you want to have lunch again tomorrow?"

Kyla frowned, shaking her head, "I'm sorry, we have photoshoots all day tomorrow, I won't be here," she explained,disappointed. 

"Maybe some other day then," Seungkwan mumbled, flashing a polite smile and leaving. 

•••

Dance practice this day was the same as the previous day. 3 hours of repeating the same choreography over and over.

Seungkwan was pouring sweat when it was over; he couldn't grab at his water bottle fast enough. He glanced over at Wonwoo, who stood in front of him; he was barely even sweating. Seungkwan wondered for a moment, how the fuck..? He put the thought to rest, deciding not to bother his hyung about it. 

"Guys, that was great! Seungkwan, I don't know what you did, but you've improved a lot. You totally fixed that mistake from the other day," Soonyoung grinned, brushing his bright red hair out of his face. 

The compliment filled Seungkwan with relief. For a moment, he actually didn't feel worthless. He smiled at Soonyoung as he shoved his phone and Wallet into his pockets. 

"Maybe Kwannie isn't as lazy as we thought," Jihoon cracked, laughing at his own comment as he sipped his water.

The relief disappeared right before his eyes. His shoulders slumped, disappointment taking over him once more. Just like with Kyla, Jihoon's words lit an angry fire in Seungkwan's chest; rage and shame boiled inside him. 

"Just when we were planning on firing him. It was a close call, Kwannie," Junhui added, smiling viciously at Seungkwan. 

He felt his face getting red; his fists tightly clenched, knuckles turning white. 

Wonwoo gleefully chimed in, "Maybe Kwannie finally put down the potato chips and started doing his job," he chuckled, playfully shoving the younger. 

It was like a bomb exploded inside his brain, like he lost control of himself; he acted without thinking.   
Seungkwan shoved him back...hard, making Wonwoo slam into the wall and hit his head. He fell onto the floor. The other guys gasped, rushing to help him. 

"MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE JUST HUGE FUCKING ASSHOLES!" Seungkwan yelled, his voice cracking. He shoved Seungcheol out of his way, storming out of the practice room and slamming the door behind him. 

The boy barely made it out of the room before letting out a restrained sob; he covered his mouth with his hand, his vision rendered useless due to the tears. 

_'You absolute hopeless idiot. You hurt Wonu-hyung, they really hate you now. What if HR finds out? You could lose your job! It's hopeless, it doesn't matter anymore. They wouldn't miss you if you never came back.'_

Seungkwan ran. 

He just fucking ran, wherever his legs would take him. He needed to get far away from everyone. The adrenaline made him forget the pain in his body. 

He sprinted through the Pledis lobby and burst out the front door, turning the corner and running down the sidewalk. He ran. He ran and ran and ran without giving any thought to the pain in his legs, or where he was going, or what he'd do when he stopped running. 

_'You can never look them in the eyes again, not after what you did. What a waste of space, you just can't do anything right, can you?'_

He must've run like half a mile because by the time he stopped, the sky was dark and the buildings around him were unfamiliar. He doubled over to catch his breath, still sobbing hysterically.   
He looked around through tear-blurred eyes, there was a bar right across the street from him.   
He thought for a moment, his heart rate starting to go back down to a normal rate. 

"When in Rome, I suppose," he mumbled out loud, crossing the street and entering the bar.

The establishment was run down, had almost no customers in it. The air was stale, thick with dust; the room was only lit by the windows and some small ceiling lights. A small, elderly woman stood behind the bar, cleaning a glass. 

Seungkwan stumbled in, plopping himself down on a barstool, "O-one shot of s-soju, please," he hiccuped out between sobs. He hastily wiped the tears off his face, looking up at the bartender, reaching for his wallet and flashing his driving license, "H-here's my ID." 

The woman gave him a sympathetic smile as she handed him the glass, "What's wrong, dear?" She asked, sounding pretty genuine. 

"I-I-it's not *sniff* it's nothing," he whimpered, downing his soju and handing the glass back to her, "another one, please."

She poured him another shot, setting the glass down in front of him, "Honey, I know this isn't nothing. What going on?"

He drank the 2nd shot, wiping more tears off of his face. The liquor burned his throat, warming up his body from the inside. He took a deep breath, this produced another restrained sob, "I..I-I think...*sniff* I think my friends hate me," he trailed off, his words barely above a whisper, "I did something terrible, I could lose my job..I already lost all of my friends. I think everyone would be better off if I wasn't around..."

"Hey!" The bartender slammed her hand down of the bar, startling Seungkwan, "Don't say that about yourself! You made a mistake, you can _FIX_ it. I promise you, whatever it was, you probably didn't ruin your life. I mean, you didn't kill anyone, did you?" She chuckled a little bit at the end, refilling his glass. 

Seungkwan looked back up at her, his sobs finally ceasing, "No, but I did hurt someone," he explained in a hushed voice, drinking the 3rd shot of soju, "I accidentally hurt one of my best friends."

"Apologize to them, beg for forgiveness, make it right. They'll see how sorry you are, chances are good they'll forgive you." She told him. 

The blonde boy nodded at her, wiping away the rest of his tears, "Thank you. I should probably get going," he mumbled, pulling out his wallet and handing her the money for the tab, "Uh, do you know what part of town this is? I don't know how to get home from here."

The bartender smiled, "301 North Gangnam Street. Do you have someone to call?" 

Seungkwan stood up from his barstool, walking toward the door, "Um...Yes, I do. Goodnight," he announced, leaving the bar and walking up to the nearest street corner. 

He pulled out his phone, ignoring the 24 missed calls from Seungcheol. He searched through his contacts until he found the name he was looking for; he pressed 'dial', holding the phone up to his ear. 

*ring*

_'Please pick up, please pick up!'_

*ring*

_'Cmon, don't go to voicemail!'_

*ring*

"Hello?" A voice greeted from the other end of the phone. 

 

"Hey Kyla? It's Seungkwan...I need a favor."


	5. Hopeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pristin dorm gets an unexpected house guest lol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, TW for selfharm

After waiting for only 15 minutes, a large, white van pulled up right in front of Seungkwan. He opened the passenger door, climbing into the vehicle, "Kyla, thank you so much for this, you have no idea how much I appreciate this."

Kyla glanced over at him, smiling, "Of course, any time; we're friends, right? So, do you want to go back to your dorm or-"

"-No!" Seungkwan cut her off, panic running through him at the thought of having to face the other members, "Can...can we go to your dorm or something?" His voice was meek, which accurately represented how he felt at the time. 

_'That didn't sound creepy and weird at all,'_

"Sure! You are more than welcome at the Pristin dorm; in fact, you can spend the night there if..if you...can't go home," she trailed off, her vision focusing on the road ahead of her, "What happened anyway? Why can't you go home?"

Seungkwan hesitated, "I..don't really want to talk about it yet." He murmured, rubbing his forehead. 

An awkward silence filled the van. Seungkwan was starting to sober up a little, though the Soju had barely done anything anyway. 

"Thank you again, I'm sorry for being such a burden to you and your group," the blonde boy quietly protested. 

"Seungkwan-sunbaenim, you are NOT a burden," Kyla defended. 

_'Yes you are.'_

"You don't have to call me Sunbaenim," he mumbled, choosing to ignore her kind words. 

The younger sighed, "Ok...Seungkwan-Oppa." She corrected in a monotonous voice, running her fingers through her hair. 

Seungkwan burst into laughter "Oh No! No no no, that's worse! That makes it sound like you're calling me your boyfriend!" He was laughing so hard he almost snorted. 

Kyla gasped at his words, "What?! Oh my god, why don't I just call you 'hyung', ok?" She laughed, glancing over at him. 

After about 10 minutes in the car, Kyla pulled into a parking lot of a large apartment building, "Is this your dorm?" Seungkwan asked, eyeing the building as he got out of the van. 

_'Wait to point out the obvious, pabo.'_

Kyla led him through the lobby and into the elevator.   
Once they reached the right floor and walked to the front door of her dorm, she stopped Seungkwan, "Ok, before we go in, I just want to warn you; my Unnies can be a little...over-affectionate."

Seungkwan smiled politely, "That's ok..honestly I think I could use a little affection," he told her. 

_'You don't deserve any affection though.'_

They entered the dorm, kicking their shoes off and entering the living room. Seungkwan was surprised to see how clean Pristin's dorm was; it looked like it was fit for a queen compared to Seventeen's dorms. The living room was lined with huge Windows, flooding the room with moonlight. The furniture was clean and didn't have trash piled on it. 

"Your place is really nice," he murmured, his eyes landed on the lanky, red-haired girl sitting on the couch, staring at him. 

"Seungkwan?" She quickly stood up, politely bowing her head at him, "No offense, but why..are you here?" She chuckled, scratching the back of her head.

"I told him he could stay with us tonight. You  don't mind, do you Unnie?" Kyla asked, almost begging. 

The other woman thought for a moment, "N-no, it's ok. I don't believe we've formally met, I'm Nayoung," she grinned, reaching out to shake Seungkwan's hand before sitting back down on the couch, "Make your self at home."

"Cmon, I'll show you around," Kyla explained, leading him down the hallway, "On the left right here is the first bathroom. On the right is Nayoung-Unnie and Yubin-Unnie's room," she said as they walked. "The rest of these doors are the other girls rooms, and at the very end of the hall is the room that me, Junghyeon-Unnie, Kyungwon-Unnie, and Minkyung-Unnie share. There's an extra bed in there for you to sleep in tonight."

Seungkwan stopped, "Kyla, thank you so much for everything, seriously I couldn't thank you enough."

Kyla smiled at him, "You've thanked me enough, hyung. Seriously, it's ok. Now, do you want dinner? Eunwoo-Unnie brought pizza!" She asked him, grabbing him by the hand and leading him to the kitchen. 

Seungkwan's stomach growled, he was pretty hungry. The smell of pizza wafted through the house, only enticing him further. 

_'Pizza. Too many calories. It's fattening. Remember what Jeonghan-hyung said about you getting fat? Do you really want to disappoint him?'_

"Y'know Kyla, I'm really not that hungry right now," he warned, his grip subconsciously tightening on her hand. 

"Oh alright, but you can still sit with us," she sighed as they entered the kitchen, sitting down at the table. 

The conversation was held to a minimum, since most of the girls were more focused on the surprise houseguest. 

"So...why can't you go home?" One of the girls asked abruptly, breaking the awkward silence. She was quite tall and skinny and had long, brown hair. 

_'Damn, those legs. Talk about goals.'_

Kyla's eyes went wide, she quickly jumped to Seungkwan's defense, "Oh Minkyung-Unnie, he doesn't really want to talk about-"

"-no no no, it's ok! Minkyung-Unnie...uh-err-Sunbaenim, sorry," He cut Kyla off, deciding he was ready to talk about what happened. 

_'To a bunch of random girls?'_

Who else?

_'Alright, proceed.'_

Seungkwan took a deep breath, glancing around the table at each of the girls,his gaze landing on Kyla for an extra couple of seconds, "I can't go home because...well basically for the last few days, some of my hyungs were joking around, calling me lazy," -he paused when he heard Nayoung gasp- "I was already really frustrated by this, so...one of them made another one of these comments and he-uh-he kinda shoved me...and I got so mad that I-I-I yelled at them and called them assholes..and then I shoved that one guy back and he hit his head on the wall and fell down and I just ran away and I think I really hurt him and they probably hate me and now I can't go back home!" He ranted, his voice cracked as he felt himself starting to cry again, his eyes welled up with tears.  
He felt a sympathetic hand rubbing his shoulder; the hand obviously belong to Kyla. He scooted his chair closer, resting his head on her shoulder. A few tears landed on her shirt, but she didn't mind. 

"Oh...wow...I'm sorry that happened to you, Seungkwan," Nayoung said, taking a bite of pizza, "Your hyungs sound like real jerks."

_'Don't get too comfortable. They don't really care, they're just politely tolerating you.'_

Kyla ran her fingers through Seungkwan's hair in an attempt to comfort him, "Seungkwan-hyung, shh-it's ok-umm-it's ok, please stop crying."

"Why are you calling him hyung?" Minkyung asked, her eyebrows raised curiously. 

"Not the time, Unnie," the younger girl snapped, quickly turning her attention back to Seungkwan, "It's ok, Hyung, there's no judgement here. I appreciate you telling us."

•••

After dinner, Seungkwan took a brief shower in the nice, clean pristin bathroom; the shower had some fancy, fruity-smelling shampoo in there. 

_'Dang, Seventeen needs to take notes. A guy could get used to this.'_

After he got out of the shower and dried off, he borrowed some of Kyla's clothes to sleep in, just a black hoodie and basketball shorts (which oddly fit him really well).   
He'd just finished changing and was about to leave the bathroom, when he noticed a pair of nail clippers lying on the edge of the sink; the chrome metal reflected the fluorescent bathroom light. 

His eyes lingered on them for just a few seconds too long. 

'Nail clippers are sharp, right? Like.. _ **REALLY** sharp?'_

Seungkwan anxiously tugged at the sleeve of his (Kyla's) sweatshirt, his heart rate increasing, "No...No!" He whispered to himself, reaching for the door handle.

_'You felt so much better last time you did it. Didn't it feel so good to be _ **in control**_? Wasn't it such a relief to be able to feel something other than just dull sadness? You know you want to. Do it, Kwannie, do it. Do it. Do it! DO IT!'_

He hastily yanked his left sleeve up, grabbing the nail clippers. The sharp edge scraped across his inner arm, blood dripped from the scratch after a couple seconds. Seungkwan sighed heavily, his fist clenching as the pain came and went. He did it again, cutting deeper this time than the first. A cold sweat ran across his body, chills immediately following. A lump started to form in his throat, but he pushed it down, refusing to let it take over. 

He wasn't going to cry this time. He was done crying. 

Droplets of crimson fell into the sink, Seungkwan braced the edge of the counter, breathing deeply. He picked up the clippers again, the sharp edge dragging across the soft skin on his upper forearm, a searing pain following it. His heart was beating too quickly, shivers went down his body. 

He stood there, staring at his wounded arm, the blood that dripped into the sink, and the clippers that were still held tightly in his hands. 

_'Maybe next time, you can cut a little deeper and bleed out so you'll finally be put out of your misery.'_

Seungkwan shook the thought out of his head, instead focusing on how much better he felt.

He just about jumped out of his skin when he heard a knock at the door.   
"Seungkwan-hyung, it's Kyla. Everything ok in there?" 

His breath hitched, "Y-yeah, I'll be right out!" he called, attempting not to sound suspicious. 

He hastily rinsed out the blood in the sink, washing the blood off his arm.   
One his cuts had stopped bleeding, he pulled his sleeve back down, sufficiently hiding them.   
Seungkwan slowly opened the bathroom door, walking across the hall to Kyla's room. There was an air mattress on the floor, which he assumed would be his spot for tonight.   
He plopped down onto the bed, picking up his phone. 

25 missed calls from Seungcheol.   
13 missed calls from Jeonghan.   
5 missed calls from Jisoo.   
158 misc text messages.   
33 MISSED CALLS FROM WONWOO. 

Seungkwan's heart just about jumped out of his chest.

_'He probably wants to beat you up or something. They all probably called to yell at you. You can never go back home. You really ruined everything.'_

Seungkwan shut his phone off, laying back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. His fresh wounds stung under his sweatshirt sleeve. 

_'Nobody wants you around, Y'know. You're just a nuisance. Everyone would be better off if you weren't here.'_

Seungkwan didn't cry himself to sleep that night, but he went to sleep with bloodstains on his sleeves. He went to sleep on the floor of a teenage girl's dorm room because he couldn't go home. He went to sleep wishing he was dead...

 

And that's something that nobody ever knew.


	6. Irrational

The next morning, Seungkwan awoke to Kyla shaking him violently by the shoulders, "Hyung! You need to get up! We have to go to work soon!" She whisper-yelled at him. 

Seungkwan only groaned in response, slowly standing up. His back ached from the flimsy air mattress that he slept on. 

Kyla grabbed his left arm to drag him into the kitchen, immediately letting go when she saw Seungkwan wince in pain. 

"What?" She asked, confused and concerned. 

"N-nothing, let's go to the kitchen and have breakfast," he anxiously tried to change the subject, walking out of the room toward the kitchen, Kyla trailing behind him.

Seungkwan's stomach was begging him for food, he decided to appease it. A banana and a piece of toast should be fine. 

' _Bananas are fattening.'_

Fine. A piece of toast and an orange. 

_'That's a lot of sugar and carbs.'_

Y'know what? No breakfast. Just a big-ass cup of coffee. 

' _Yeah that's fine.'_

Seungkwan sat down at the table with the girls, sipping his coffee. 

"So are you going to talk to your Seventeen members today?" Nayoung asked, taking a bite of her toast. 

He sighed, "I don't know...Maybe I can just move in here and become a permanent Pristin member," he joked, giving a fake laugh. 

"Yeah maybe. The whole co-ed thing seems to be working for Kard," Kyla replied, sitting down with her plate of food, "Seriously, I'll drive you back to your dorm this morning so you can set things straight with them."

He sighed, his smile disappearing, "Alright."

Suddenly, a pair of arms wrapped around him from behind, "Noo, you should stay a little longer. We're gonna miss you," Minkyung wined, hugging onto him tightly. 

Seungkwan chuckled, melting into the hug. He hadn't been hugged in so long, "I appreciate that, but I think I've already overstayed my welcome," he said. 

"Despite the fact that that ISN'T TRUE, Seungkwan-hyung does need to go back home and sort things out with his group." Kyla explained, standing up from the table, getting her keys out of her pocket, "Are you ready to go?"

•••

The car ride to Seungkwan's dorm was awkward to say the least. The blonde boy was super anxious about having to talk to Wonwoo.   
After a painfully silent few minutes, Kyla spoke up. 

"Don't worry, Hyung. What's the worst thing that could happen?" She asked nonchalantly. 

"They could kick me out of the group and I'd be jobless, homeless, and alone," Seungkwan wined meekly, scratching his head. 

Kyla rolled her eyes, "That's not gonna happen and we both know it. If it makes you feel better, I'll stay with you for moral support."

"Yeah...that would help actually." Seungkwan replied, a little bit of hope sparking inside him as he thought about the more positive outcomes that could happen. 

The rest of the car ride was much less quiet or awkward. 

•••

Seungkwan and Kyla stood, side by side, in front of the Seventeen dorm. The older's body was shaking with nerves. He promised himself he wasn't going to cry in front of them. 

Seungkwan was done crying. He was done feeling sorry for himself. He was gonna go in there and apologize, they were gonna apologize to him, and everything was gonna go back to normal. That was the plan. 

He knocked on the door, holding his breath and waiting for it to open. He heard footsteps grow louder, followed by the door being yanked open by Seungcheol, who looked like he hadn't slept or eaten at all lately. He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was all messy. 

His jaw dropped when he saw who was behind the door, "Seungkwan-ah! Oh my god I was so worried about you. Thank god you're ok!" He gasped, throwing his arms around the younger boy, refusing to let go for several seconds. 

Once he did, he pulled Seungkwan and Kyla into the living room, calling all of the other guys to come in, too. 11 guys shuffled into the room, looking equally tired and sleep deprived. 

Seungkwan made a beeline for Wonwoo, making direct eye contact with him, "Hyung..I'm so, so sorry for hurting you. It was...a very immature way of handling the situation and I hope you can forgive me." He explained, no emotion in his face or voice. That part was difficult, but he was able to stay monotonous. 

The tall, dark haired boy was quiet for a moment before he finally spoke, "Seungkwan...Of course I'll forgive you. So you made a little mistake, you messed up. Nobody really got hurt, it's not a big deal. We're cool," he smiled, adjusting is glasses and pulling Seungkwan in for a quick hug. 

_'Something is wrong here.'_

Seungkwan did NOT relax at his hyung's hug. Not like he did with Seungcheol a minute prior. This time it felt...wrong.   
Something was very wrong about what Wonwoo said but Seungkwan just couldn't quite figure out what it was. 

He tried to ignore his gut feeling, glancing over to Kyla, who gave him a proud smile and a thumbs up, encouraging him to continue. 

"I'm-uh-I'm glad you guys are so...understanding," he mumbled, smiling anxiously and shuffling away from Wonwoo. 

The atmosphere of the room was thick with awkwardness and bitterness. Most of the guys stared at the ground, avoiding Seungkwan's evasive gaze. 

"Seungkwan, it's water under the bridge, really. We all make mistakes sometimes, it happens. We forgive you," Jihoon explained gently, taking a step toward the younger, smiling non-threateningly. 

_'That smile is fake.This is all fake. This is weird and it's giving you weird vibes. You gotta get the fuck outta dodge.'_

"Thank you," Seungkwan mumbled, "Now-uhh-we should probably be heading to work, yah?" He abruptly changed the subject. 

"Actually yeah, we were about to leave," Hansol began. 

Seungkwan hastily walked toward the door, grabbing Kyla's hand and bringing her with him, "Great...I'll ride with Kyla. See you guys there!" He blurted out, quickly exiting the dorm with her still by his side. 

They ran through the hallway, toward the elevator, not wasting any time. 

"What was that about?! Why were you in such a rush to get out of there?" The younger asked, clearly confused by the situation, and shaken by the sudden running. 

The elevator doors closed, creaking as they moved.   
Seungkwan turned to look at her, sighing heavily, "Do you want to play hooky from work today?"


	7. Risky

"What?! Are you crazy?!" Kyla asked, her eyes going wide.

"Maybe," he replied, shrugging it off casually, "Cmon, let's go have fun. Be spontaneous!" He had a slightly psychotic gleam in his eyes.

Kyla hesitated for a moment before she started to smile, "Alright, let's do it! What do you want to do first?" Her eyebrows were raised in curiosity. 

He thought for a couple seconds, tapping his chin, "Ooh! I've got it! Let's go get ice cream!" He excitedly suggested. 

_'Ice cream? Y'know how many _ **CALORIES**_ are in ice cream!'_

Shut up and let the man eat!

_'Ok but ice cream now means skipping lunch later...'_

The elevator doors open and the two briskly walked to the lobby, leaving the building and getting back in the van. 

"Where do you want to get ice cream?" She asked as they pulled out of the parking lot. 

Seungkwan leaned forward in his seat, turning to look at her, "How about that place in North Gangnam? They have Raspberry Chocolate ice cream that's really good."

"Ok," Kyla nodded, glancing at Seungkwan, giving a genuine smile.

•••

After a 15 minute car ride, they arrived at the ice cream shop.  
They stepped out of the van, walking into the shop and approaching the counter.   
The shop was quite nicely decorated, pictures of ice cream decorated the walls; flower vases sat on every table, most of which were void of people. 

"Hi, what can I get for you?" The girl behind the counter asked, smiling. 

"Two scoops of raspberry chocolate ice cream, please. Kyla?" Seungkwan asked, turning to face the younger. 

Kyla leaned onto the counter, "Two scoops of mint chocolate chip, please."

The cashier rang them up, taking their money and soon serving them their respective ice creams. 

Seungkwan and Kyla walked over to a table, plopping themselves down and digging in to their calorie-fest. 

"So, tell me. Why were you in such a hurry to get away from the guys?" She asked, genuinely curious. 

The older took a bite of his ice cream, staying quiet for a moment after, "I just...something about the way they spoke today just gave me some weird vibes; like there's something missing, but I don't know what it is," he said finally, his eyes fixed on the table. 

Kyla quirked her eyebrow, "Really? Huh.." She mumbled, taking a bite of her dessert. He long, brown hair fell in front of her face, causing her to angrily flip it behind her shoulder. 

"I guess I'm the only one then. Well, anyway thank you for agreeing to ditch with me," he replied, his eyes lighting up as he looked at her again, "This is fun. I don't have any other friends outside of my group."

"Me neither. Come to think, if you'd never have fallen asleep in the practice room two days ago, we never would've become friends," Kyla laughed, taking another bite. 

Seungkwan nodded, adamantly replying, "You got that right. Thank god for desperation and self hatred!" He chuckled sarcastically

Kyla's smile disappeared almost instantly, "What, what?"

•••

After thoroughly convincing Kyla that he was kidding, Seungkwan had finished his ice cream and so had she. 

"I know we were gonna ditch, but we're probably gonna get in so much trouble if we're gone for the whole day. Can we go ahead back to the office now?" She asked sheepishly.

"That's probably a good idea," -the blonde boy began- "Besides, who knows if there's paparazzi here. If they spotted us..I can't afford another dating scandal," -he joked, smirking lightly- "I'm gonna go use the restroom and then we can go."

Kyla hummed in reply, standing up to throw her and Seungkwan's cups into the trash. 

Seungkwan entered the restroom and took care of business; he hastily pulled up his jacket sleeves and washed his hands, rushing out of there as to not keep Kyla waiting for too long.   
He only made it a couple of steps out of the mens' room before he was bombarded with camera flashes and aggressive paparazzi. 

Seungkwan instinctively held up his hands to block the light-almost hitting someone in the face by accident, as he ran away from the crowd; he made a beeline for Kyla's car. 

He just barely made it inside before he was chased down again. Kyla was already in there thankfully; she sped off,out of the parking lot and down the road.

"Woah, that was close!" Seungkwan sighted heavily, pushing his sweater sleeves back down and leaning back in his seat. It's always overwhelming and tiring to deal with paparazzi, just one of the downsides to being, well, famous. 

Kyla chuckled in response, "Yeah, I was barely able to get to the car in time-OH COME ON! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING LEFT LANE YOU JERK! WHERE'D YOU GET YOUR LICENSE, A CRACKER JACK BOX?!" She yelled, honking her horn at the asshat who'd been doing 30mph in the left lane and had their blinker on for 12 miles. 

Seungkwan stifled a laugh, looking out his window, watching the other cars go by for a couple of minutes, "Thank you for...everything," he quietly mumbled once Kyla had calmed down. 

"Of course, don't worry about it, we can get ice cream anytime you want," she grinned, glancing to look at him. 

The blonde boy shook his head, "No no no, I mean...thank you for being my friend and for..paying attention to me, and being so nice and welcoming me into your home," he rambled, rubbing his foreheads a he turned to look at her again, "Just when I was starting to think that no one cared about me.." He murmured, almost whispering. 

"Seungkwan-hyung," -she began, taking a deep breath- "No matter what happens, I'm going to be your friend, your best friend even. This isn't going to change. Underdogs gotta stick together, am I right?"

"Thank you, Ky," he mumbled, his voice sounding restrained as he failed to hold back some tears. 

They were happy tears this time. 

Seungkwan couldn't remember the last time he had cried because of happiness. 

He let the tears fall onto his sweater, he smiled, closing his eyes. Seungkwan simply enjoyed the moment, because for the first time in a long time, he felt really happy.


	8. Naive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so this story is gonna be a lot longer than I originally planned lol. It started as a 5-chapter story and now it looks like it's gonna be like 15 chapters. Also I think Wonwoo/Seungkwan is a really underrated pairing so I've included a bit of it (which I think really kicks off with this chapter). That's all, enjoy!

After arriving back at Pledis Inc., Kyla and Seungkwan split up to do their seperate jobs. The latter had to record some lyrics for a song, and then go to dance practice.

He walked into the studio, which was inhabited by Wonwoo, who was the producer of the song in question. 

"Hey, Kwannie. You ready to sing some shit?" He joked, chuckling lightly as he tapped his fingers on his desk. 

Wonwoo's greeting was accompanied by a pang of anxiety that went through Seungkwan's body. He didn't really know why, but it reminded him of the events of earlier that day. 

He plastered on a fake smile, ignoring his discomfort, "Fuck yeah. Let's do this!"

•••

After 30 minutes of recording and re-recording, they were finally done with Seungkwan's lines. He pulled off his headphones, sighing heavily and leaning back in his seat next to his hyung. 

"That was great, Seungkwan," Wonwoo pointed out dryly, sticking his pencil above his ear, his black hair covering it slightly. 

_'He's just saying that.'_

"Well that's only because you did such an amazing job with the song," he replied, avoiding eye contact. The room smelled like paper and energy drinks, very appropriate for Jeon Wonwoo. 

"Aha, thanks. Hey, it's almost 2:00, do you wanna go get lunch with me?" The slender man asked, eyebrows raised expectantly. 

Seungkwan's eyes darted around the room in hesitation, "S-sure, yeah let's go."

'You shouldn't be eating a big lunch, after all that ice cream you had earlier. _**Remember what Jeonghan-hyung said?'**_

The two boys entered the crowded Pledis cafeteria, making a beeline for the food.   
The older helped himself to a package of veggie kimbap and some gochujang rice noodles, along with an energy drink. 

Seungkwan hesitated before taking a small salad and a zero-calorie energy drink. 

The two boys found a small table in the corner of the room, plopping themselves down to eat. 

The black haired boy raised an eyebrow, "Is that all you're eating?" He asked, adjusting his glasses. 

Seungkwan stared at his plate, anxiety still coursed through him for unknown reasons, "Y-yeah, I had a big breakfast at the Pristin dorm this morning.." He trailed off, sipping on his beverage. 

The older scoffed under his breath, "You were at the Pristin dorm?" He asked non-accusingly.

Seungkwan kept his voice low, "After...the incident yesterday, I went to a bar and had some drinks. I called Kyla to come pick me up. I mentioned that I didn't think I could go home and she offered to let me stay at her dorm for the night," he explained slowly. 

The noise that filled the room made it difficult for Wonwoo to catch all of it, but he seemed to understand quite well, "You..were you really afraid to come home? Seungkwan, do you know how worried we all were? Seungcheol-hyung was near tears last night because he couldn't get ahold of you!" He told him, VERY accusingly. 

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I thought you guys...especially you..wouldn't even want me to come home," he admitted, still avoiding eye contact. 

The spectacled man sighed deeply, "Seungkwan...I don't want you to ever think that. No matter how frustrated I get with you sometimes, you're still one of my best friends...You're my favorite best friend," he whispered at the end as he gave the younger a comforting smile, grabbing his hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. 

Seungkwan's heart rate went back to a normal pace, something about Wonwoo's words DID feel slightly comforting to him, they didn't feel empty this time. 

_'Oh please, you're really gonna fall for that crap? He's not your friend, he's just a coworker. He doesn't care. None of them do.'_

For once, Seungkwan decided to ignore the voice in the back of his head, "And you're my favorite too," he replied, plastering on a smile. 

"So," the black-haired male began, taking a bite of his kimbap, "If you were at our meeting this morning, you'd know that we'll be filming our dance practice today.." He trailed off melodramatically. 

"Thanks for telling me but that's not really-"

"-a big deal?" Wonwoo finished his sentence for him, "This time it is, because it's gonna be filmed on top of a huge building."

"Like how Monsta X did for their Hero dance practice?" Seungkwan asked, surprise in his face. 

Wonwoo adjusted his glasses, nodding, "Exactly. We leave at 4:30, Jeonghan-hyung said he wanted a good sunset backdrop for the video."

The younger was quiet for a couple of seconds, he thought about the video idea, imagining what the final product would look like, "Awesome," he murmured distractedly. 

•••

At 4:30pm, Seventeen piled into their van to go to the filming location. 

A 10 minute car ride that was filled with buzzing conversation. Seungkwan sat in the very back, right next to the window. He'd remained quiet for almost the whole ride. 

Wonwoo sat to his right. After about 8 minutes, he gently prodded Seungkwan on the shoulder, "Hey, you good?" He asked, concern in his voice. 

Seungkwan slowly turned his head, snapping out of his daze, "Oh, Y-yeah, I'm fine. Just...thinking,"he trailed off, fiddling with his sweater sleeves. 

"What are you thinking about?" The older asked fervently. 

The van hit a bump in the road, causing everyone to bounce slightly. 

"Just...uh..how cool this video is gonna look," Seungkwan blurted out, smiling awkwardly. 

"Guys.." -Jeonghan's voice sounded from the front seat of the van- "We're here."

•••

The boys entered the tall building, going up the elevator, reaching the top floor.   
They went up a small staircase until they reached a small door; the door emptied out into the roof. 

All 13 of the boys filed out onto the roof of this building.   
A big, empty span of concrete that was probably 20 Yards in every direction. The noise was almost nonexistent, no voices could be heard, only the faint whistle of the breeze that blew by. 

A cacophony of "Wow"s and "Ooh!"s filled the vicinity as they walked around the rooftop, which overlooked the breathtaking Seoul cityscape; the impending sunset only added to the aesthetic of the view. 

Seungkwan approached the edge of the rooftop, his eyes drinking in the incredible sight, his feet just a few inches too close for comfort. The rest of the world melted away, he was mesmerized. 

"Seungkwan, please get away from the edge. There's no fence or anything, it's dangerous," Wonwoo warned severely, approaching Seungkwan. He stood a couple steps behind, admiring the view along with him, "Seriously, step back. This is the tallest building in Gangnam, Y'know. Just being up here is giving me the creeps.."

"Isn't it incredible, hyung? I never want to look away. I could stay up here forever," he murmured breathlessly, ignoring his hyung's pleas. 

"Y-yeah, Seungkwan, it's beautiful. Cmon we gotta shoot the video," he said flatly, grabbing the younger's wrist and dragging him back to the group to film the dance practice.


	9. Isolated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically Jeonghan is a huge asshole in this story lol

After the dance video was done filming, the guys all drove back to the Pledis building to continue with their normal dance rehearsal. 

Just like always, 3 grueling hours of repeating the same couple of routines over and over.   
By the end, everyone was exhausted, especially Seungkwan. 

The fact that he hadn't eaten much food lately was really starting to show its unfortunate side effects. His stomach ached with hunger, his limbs began to feel weak. He chugged his water just as the others did, his vision going in and out of focus. 

"You ok there, Kwannie? You kinda look like you're about to pass out," Jeonghan gently asked him, gripping him by the shoulder. 

A sudden wave of anxiety spread through Seungkwan's body. He tensed at the touch, turning to look at Jeonghan with wide eyes, "Y-yeah, I'm fine, hyung. Just fine," he stuttered, avoiding eye contact. 

Jeonghan only hummed in response, walking away. 

"So, who wants Indian takeaway for dinner?" Seungcheol asked abruptly, grinning widely. 

Sounds of agreement were voice around the room, except for one lone voice that said differently. 

"I think I'm just gonna head to the gym for another hour. Get a good workout in," Seungkwan blurted out, gathering his things. 

"What?! How can you feel like working out right now?" Seungcheol asked, concern in his voice. 

The blonde male shrugged, "I didn't get to do it this morning."

Seungkwan was met with hesitant grunts of affirmation as he moved to exit the practice room.   
He was stopped by Wonwoo stepping in front of him, gripping him by the arm, "Seungkwan, you really should rest.." He mumbled under his breath so the others wouldn't hear. He sounded genuinely concerned. 

_'That's bullshit. Wonwoo was the one calling you lazy the other day and he's right about it too. The last thing you should be doing his resting.'_

Seungkwan hesitated, ultimately deciding to ignore his conscience and go have dinner with the guys, "You're right," he sighed heavily, smirking slightly at his hyung. 

•••

The scent of delicious takeaway wafted through the dorm, only infuriating Seungkwan's mistreated stomach. He wanted to chow down so badly, but knew he had to lose weight. He HAD to lose weight. 

_'You're so fat. You're such a gluttonous pig. You don't deserve to eat this crap.'_

Seungkwan dumped a measly pile of vegetables onto his plate, along with a minuscule portion of rice. He sighed as everyone else chowed down on chicken, noodles, curry, and kabobs. 

"Is that really all you're having?" Wonwoo, who sat to Seungkwan's left, whispered to him, discreetly rubbing his arm out of concern. 

Seungkwan didn't tense up at the touch this time, it actually kind of relaxed him. The older smiled at him gently; it was...comforting, "Yeah, I'm just not that hungry."

The black-haired male bit his lip, averting his gaze from the younger, "Ok," he whispered, returning to his own meal. 

The table silence was broken when Seungkwan was once again the target of conversation. 

"Kwannie, it's nice to see you took my advice about losing some weight. You're watching your portion sizes, that's good. Y'know as idols we've got to have that self control about our food.." Jeonghan trailed off, taking a sip of his water, "I'm sure the weight will start to come off soon, hun."

His tone was gentle and caring, but his words were dripping with poison. 

Seungkwan plastered on a face smile, despite his soul being ripped apart inside, "Thanks, hyung," he choked out, hastily finishing the last of his food and standing up from the table, "I'm gonna go get ready for bed," he mumbled, abruptly leaving the kitchen. 

He gathered the next day's clothes, going to the bathroom to shower. Once inside the shower, he allowed the steaming water to envelope him. The high temperature of the water made his recent wounds sting, but he didn't mind.   
He felt temporarily at peace, isolated from the rest of the world. 

He stepped out of the shower, drying himself off thoroughly. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. 

_'Arms are still pudgy as ever. That beer belly is still there. Are those new stretch marks?! Ugh you're just fucking hideous, aren't you Kwannie?'_

Seungkwan studied his own face. Without his makeup, the dark circles under his eyes were more visible than ever. His lips were thin and void of color. He didn't love these things, but they were just the side effects of losing weight; it was worth it. 

_**'Y'know as idols we've got to have that self control about our food...'** _

Jeonghan's words repeated in his head. 

_'That's it. You just need to try harder. So no more ice cream, yah? You don't deserve that.'_

Seungkwan opened his toiletry bag to retrieve his toothbrush, pausing when he felt the familiar sharp edge of a razor blade scraping the tips of his fingers. He pulled it out, holding it in the palm of his hand, just staring at it. 

He shoved down the lump in his throat, turning his attention to his left arm, which was already decorated with long, red marks. 

The cold steel sliced open the sensitive skin, a line of red trailing behind it. The all-too-familiar sting returned to him. He sighed deeply, going in for a second strike. Once again, the razor did its job; The pain came and went, and the sink underneath him was adorned with crimson droplets. 

_'One more, just one more.'_

Seungkwan obliged, digging the sharp edge of the razor deep into his forearm. Deeper than he'd cut before. He clenched his teeth tightly, trying not to vocalize the searing pain that went through his arm. More blood dripped into the sink. 

He returned the razor to his bag; standing there, staring at his arm until it stopped bleeding, "I'm sorry," he whispered ever so quietly to himself.   
He cleaned up his wounds, rinsing out the sink and removing all traces of what he did. 

He slowly got dressed, making note of his sweatshirt sleeve rubbing against his cuts, and gathered his things.   
He exited the bathroom like nothing happened, entering he and Junhui's room and going to sleep. 

That night, Seungkwan didn't cry himself to sleep,

But he did go to sleep with bloodstains on his shirt sleeves.   
He did go to sleep with a lump in his throat, an empty stomach, and a crushed heart. 

Seungkwan went to sleep that night wishing he would never wake up.   
Sadly, it wasn't the first time, and more sadly, it certainly wouldn't be the last.


	10. Broken

It'd been one week, and Seungkwan had finally lost a bit of weight. The whole 'one meal a day' thing seemed to be working (except for the fact that he almost passed out during dance practice a couple times). Everything else was going well. 

Seventeen had to be at some Gangnam convention center at 8:00am for a fan meeting/merch release event. 

While everyone had their little eggs or cereal for breakfast, Seungkwan had a large cup of black coffee. Nobody said anything, of course they wouldn't. They don't care.

Once the guys arrived at the convention center, they were taken to a large conference hall with a long table up on the stage where they all sat to one side; similarly to how all of their fansigns go. 

They must've seen several hundred fans that day. Mostly teenage girls, sometimes grown women, and occasionally men.   
Seungkwan had done this a bunch of times before, it's nothing new to him.   
He greets a fan, answers their question, gives a high five, and moves on to the next person.

He'd bent over to scratch his leg while the line moved. 

"Hi, Seungkwan!" A voice rang out, catching his attention with the informal greeting, since he was usually called 'Oppa' by fans. He looked up at the fan in question, she appeared to be a good bit older than him. 

"H-hello Noona," he greeted politely, shaking her hand. 

The woman had a huge grin on her face, "I can't believe I'm actually meeting you, _Kwannie_!"

Seungkwan stopped in his tracks, his blood running cold. Anxiety shot through him, attempting to pull him away from reality.   
He tried to act natural, plastering on a fake smile, "So..do you have a question for me?" He asked, almost through gritted teeth. Sweat threatened to fall from his forehead. 

She nodded, "Oh yeah," -she began, sliding him a piece of paper, as well as reading the question out loud, "How do maintain such a perfect figure all the time, _Kwannie_?"

The words echoed in his head, he remained quiet for several seconds, keeping his head down. His heart was beating alarmingly fast; a lump formed in his throat, and he wasn't able to push it down this time. His vision became blurry and he felt his face getting hot. He remained quiet, taking a restrained breath. 

The woman's tone was now filled with concern, _"K-Kwannie_? Are you ok? Kwannie?" -She reached out to gently tap on his arm to get his attention- _"Kwannie?"_

Seungkwan abruptly jerked his hand away, "Don't fucking call me that!" He boomed, his voice cracking. Tears started to spill from his eyes. 

The room went deadly silent. Hundreds of eyes were on him, all hosting a rainbow of emotions. It felt like the room was spinning, Seungkwan couldn't take it. 

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," he whimpered, standing up and backing away from the table before bolting out of the room. He ran down a long, empty hallway until he found a bathroom. Entering and barricading himself inside. 

As soon as he knew he was alone, he let out a choked sob. He leaned against the back of the heavy, wooden door. Hot, salty tears poured down his face, dropping onto the tile floor beneath him. He put a shaky hand over his mouth, stifling another sob. 

He slid down the door, sitting with his knees pulled to his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he could disappear. 

'You really fucked up now. They hate you, everyone hates you.'

His sobs refused to cease, he buried his head in his hands, uselessly wiping away the tears.

_'You're such an idiot. Why do you have to fuck everything up? You don't deserve to be an idol. You don't deserve to have fans. You don't deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to live.'_

Seungkwan's sobs were interrupted when he heard a hard knock on the other side of the door. 

Assuming that someone needed to use the restroom, he stood up, yanking the door open.   
Unfortunately, that was not source of the knocks. 

Wonwoo stepped into the bathroom, closing the door behind him; leaving him and Seungkwan to stand there in silence for several moments, only to be interrupted by Seungkwan's stifled sobs. 

Wonwoo was the first to speak, "Seungkwan..W-what happened?" His voice was hoarse, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

Seungkwan shook his head, avoiding his hyung's gaze. 

The older took a step closer, gently wiping one of Seungkwan's tears with his thumb, "Seungkwan, please talk to me," he pleaded, almost in a whisper as he gripped the younger by the shoulder. 

"I-I-I don't know what h-happened," -he whimpered through choked sobs- "My-m-my heart started breathing fast and I-I couldn't breath and I felt kinda dizzy...it was really scary, hyung!" He whined, looking up at Wonwoo through red, watery eyes. 

The older nodded silently. He wrapped his arms around Seungkwan, one hand landing above the curve of his hip, the other on his shoulder. He held onto him tightly, almost afraid to let go, "It's...it's ok. Everything is gonna be ok, please just-j-just stop..crying," he rambled breathlessly into Seungkwan's hair. 

The younger buried his head into Wonwoo's shoulder; his arms weakly wrapped around his waist, fingers curled around the hem of his shirt for some purchase. They stayed like that, for a long time. 

Too long. 

Once Seungkwan had stopped crying, he let go of Wonwoo, shuffling away from him, "I'm sorry about...this," he mumbled, staring at his feet. 

"There's nothing to apologize to me for." 

"Well, I did get some tears on your sweater, and I wasted a few minutes of your time.."

"You didn't waste shit," Wonwoo abruptly pointed out, his lips held tightly in a frown, "Seungkwan, what just happened was a panic attack. You had a panic attack. Do you know if anything caused it?" He asked curiously. 

The blonde was quiet for a moment, "The fan..the woman that I yelled at...Ugh this is so stupid-"

"-it's not stupid, Boo." 

"-fine, ok. She..she kept calling me 'Kwannie' and it just made me really uncomfortable and I guess...I guess it made me have a panic attack," he explained. 

"Wait..we call you Kwannie all the time. Does that bother you?" Wonwoo asked him, eyebrows raised. 

"Well, you guys only ever call me it when you're insulting me and stuff," he admitted quietly. It felt like a weight was lifted off his chest, it was such a relief to be able to talk about what's been bothering him.

"Insult you?!" -the spectacled man appeared shocked, his eyes growing wide- "When do we insult you?" He asked in disbelief. 

Seungkwan put up air-quotes, ""Maybe Kwannie finally put down the potato chips and started doing his job,"" he mocked his hyung's words, crossing him arms in frustration. 

Wonwoo was dumbstruck, "Oh..." He whispered, a wave of sudden realization hitting him like an 18-wheeler truck, "OH! That's why you pushed me into a wall that day!" He gasped, cupping his hand over his mouth. 

"Yeah no shit, Sherlock!" The younger yelled accusingly, only being cut off when his phone started to ring. He glanced down at the caller ID. 

It was Seungcheol.

He ignored it, putting his phone back and he was about to say something else to Wonwoo when...

HIS phone rang. Wonwoo fished it out of his back pocket, looking at the screen. 

It was Seungcheol. 

"Must be important," he mumbled to Seungkwan, drawing the phone to his ear, "Hyung, whatever it is, can it wait? We've kinda got a Seungkwan situation here-"

"-no it can't wait." -the staticky voice interrupted- "Y'all need to check Twitter RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. It's BAD." 

Wonwoo hung up, pulling up Twitter on his phone, waiting for the feed to load. 

Oh no. 

OH NO.

_**OH NO.** _

_'Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no!'_

The first image to pop up on Twitter, was a large Dispatch photo of Seungkwan, taken when he was coming out of the bathroom at the ice cream shop. Sleeves rolled up, cuts on full, unfettered display. 

The adjoining news article read as follows. 

_**'SEVENTEEN vocalist Boo Seungkwan may be hiding more than just his skincare routine. Dispatch photo set reveals incriminating scars on his arms.'** _

Seungkwan felt like the world was closing in on him. He felt suffocated. He felt trapped. He was starting to panic again, sweat threatening to fall from his forehead. His heart rate increased to an alarming pace. 

"Seungkwan.." Wonwoo whispered, looking up at him. 

_'No no no no no. Not gonna do this. I can't do this. Uh uh, nope.'_

"I can't do this," Seungkwan choked out, he didn't know what to do, so he did what he does best. 

He ran away.


	11. Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF-HARM

Seungkwan ran away. He ran out of the bathroom, through the hall, down the stairs, and out of the building. He ran down the street, making twists and turns to sidestep foot traffic on the sidewalks. 

He ran until his legs ached and he could no longer breath. He ran until he reached his dorm building. 

When he entered his dorm, he slammed the door behind him and slid down onto the floor.   
He pulled out his phone, opening Twitter. 

It was so much worse than he thought. 

_**'Idol Boo Seungkwan caught on a date with 17-year-old female rapper. Is he 'getting closer' to jail time?'** _

_**'SVT vocalist rumored to be self-harming. Dispatch Photos released show incriminating scars on his arms.'** _

' _ **Boo Seungkwan of idol group SEVENTEEN curses at a fan, hastily exiting a fan sign.'**_

_**'SVT Seungkwan sudden weight loss.'** _

_**'Boo Seungkwan, having a mental breakdown? Fans are worried.'** _

It was so so so much worse than he thought. The news headlines just kept on going. The pictures were right there, his sleeves pulled up, cuts on display. 

_'You're such an IDIOT. This is all your fault. Your career is ruined, and it's your fault. You're worthless, you can't do anything right. You should just kill yourself, everyone would be better off. You should've never been born.'_

That voice in the back of his head was usually a whisper, but now it felt like screaming. He couldn't drown it out this time. He let out another restrained sob, hands covering his face. He stood back up, walking straight to the bathroom. 

' _They'd be better off without you.'_

He grabbed his toiletry bag, tears falling down his face as he did so. Shaky fingers fumbled around for the trusty little piece of steel.   
He found it, yanking his sleeve up hastily. 

_'They'd be better off without you.'_

That familiar sting coursed through his arm, fingers curled into a fist. He bore down hard into his skin, a line of glistening crimson trailed behind the razor blade. 

"They'd be better off without me," he whispered to himself between sobs. 

He struck again. The searing pain came and went. More blood was spilt, another wound was left behind. 

'Useless. You are useless. This group would be better off without you. Your friends would be better off without you. The world would be better off without you!'

The razor sliced his skin again. It was like Seungkwan was on autopilot now, he was numb to the pain. He was numb in general. He cut deeper in a desperate attempt to feel something; a desperate attempt to punish himself for being so useless.

The steel cut through his skin one last time, red liquid dripped down his arm, pooling in his palm. The porcelain sink was unrecognizable in the gruesome mess. Salty tears ran down his face, getting into his mouth. 

He braced himself against the edge of he sink, struggling to remain standing. The loss of blood, coupled with the hunger, was starting to take a toll on him.

Seungkwan hastily washed out the sink and his arm, clearing all traces of blood. He bandaged his wounds, rolling his sleeve back down. 

After putting his razor back in its home, he went to his bedroom and collapsed in his bed, letting out a restrained sob into his pillow.   
He curled his knees up to his chest, burying himself in his covers. He didn't fall asleep, he just laid there in a puddle of tears, wishing he could disappear. 

After a while, Seungkwan was able to get himself to stop crying. He sat up in bed, picking up his phone. 

30 missed calls. 

"Fuck!" He growled to himself, getting up and leaving his room. 

All of that crying had given him a headache.   
He went into the kitchen, where he made himself a cup of coffee.   
Seungkwan opened an overhead cabinet, pulling down a bottle of Tylenol and opening it. He hesitated, staring down at the bottle for several seconds. 

_'They'd be better off without you.'_

The words echoed around in his head, prodding at him from the inside. 

He tipped the bottle into his palm, pouring out the pills. It had to be at least 12. He put the pill bottle away, placing it right where he found it. 

He drank the coffee, swallowing a couple of pills with each sip until all of them were gone.  
Seungkwan slammed the empty mug onto the counter, walking back to his room, dragging his feet carelessly on the ground with each step. 

The blonde boy went back to his room, turning off the lights and climbing into his bed. He pulled his blanket up to his chin, closing his eyes and falling asleep, wishing with every fiber of his being that he'd never wake up. 

•••

"Seungkwan! Seungkwan!" A distant voice called to him, shaking him by the shoulder. 

Seungkwan was pulled out of his slumber, sitting up in his bed, dazed and confused.   
Once he registered that he was still alive, he was met with a wave of disappointment, "It wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough," he mumbled, opening his eyes to see who woke him.

"What? What wasn't enough?" Wonwoo asked, sitting in down next to him. His eyebrows furrowed with concern, "Seungkwan?"

Seungkwan signed, slowly looking at him, "Just,,,not enough sleep," he groaned, still half asleep. 

The older let out a deep sigh, "Seungkwan...I just want you to talk to us. What's going on? I saw the news articles..Please tell me the truth," He trailed off, reaching to touch Seungkwan's hand, but pulling away when he saw him tense up. 

Seungkwan sighed, hesitating for a moment; his hyung was staring daggers at him, "Those photos were taken out of context. They all were. Kyla and I were NOT on a date, we're just friends. More importantly, the cut on my arm that was in the picture..it's not as bad as it looks. Those cuts are really old, I'm actually 6 months clean. I got low a while back, but things are so much better now," he explained, his tone remaining calm, "Hyung, I promise...I'm fine," he put a reassuring hand on Wonwoo's knee. 

_'You're a terrible liar. There's no way he's gonna buy that.'_

The older boy remained quiet for several seconds, "Thank you for being honest with me. After you ran away from the fansign, I was so worried. I'm glad you're ok now," he said, patting the younger on the shoulder before getting up and leaving the room. 

_'Wow, can't believe he bought that.'_

He stopped at the doorway, "Oh by the way, dinner is in 30 minutes."

"Ok thanks," the blonde replied, laying back down in bed. He sighed, closing his eyes. 

_'It wasn't enough. Next time you should just take the whole bottle.'_

"He said he was worried about me," Seungkwan said to himself. 

_'That's a lie. They're better off without you.'_

Seungkwan slowly opened his eyes, turning over onto his side, "They're better off without me..." He whimpered. 

Minghao, who was just walking through the hallway, stopped cold in his tracks at Seungkwan's door, " _WHAT did Seungkwan just say?....Oh it's probably nothing, maybe I'm hearing things again,_ " The Chinese boy thought to himself, brushing it off and continuing to walk.


	12. Crazy

When Seungkwan entered the kitchen for dinner, he was pleased to see that they were having salad and only salad that night, "Wow, we don't normally eat just salad," he pointed out, sitting at the end of the table. 

"Well, we've been eating a lot of Takeaway lately so I figured it'd be good to have something healthy," Jisoo pointed out, smiling politely as he sat down. 

Jeonghan's eyes lit up, "Speaking of which; that diet must be working, you're looking so good, Kwannie!" He said, not noticing the extreme discomfort on Seungkwan's face. 

Wonwoo suddenly cleared his throat, grabbing the attention of the table, "Um, hyung?" He began. 

_'Oh no. No no no please don't do this, Wonu.'_

"Seungkwan really doesn't like it when you call him that," he explained, adjusting his glasses. 

Jeonghan raised his eyebrows in surprise, most of the other members doing the same, "Really? Is that true, Seungkwan?" The white haired man asked curiously. 

The younger felt his cheeks turning red, "Um...Well-I-uh-yeah, I don't know," he stuttered, scratching the back of his neck. 

The table was uncharacteristically silent, eyes mostly glued on Jeonghan...

And then Wonwoo decided to open his big fat mouth again.

"Well actually, it's cause you only call him Kwannie when you're being mean to him. NOT JUST You, Jeonghan-hyung. I think we've all been guilty here.." He trailed off, taking a sip of his water. 

Seungkwan was staring daggers at him, his face now beet red, he really just wanted to disappear.

"Mean to him?" -Jeonghan scoffed, almost laughing really. He turned to look at the blonde boy at the end of the table, "Seungkwan, that's rediculous. We are not mean to you!" He said, flabbergasted. 

"Jeonghan-hyung is right. Maybe we joke around a bit sometimes, but I think you're just being overdramatic," Jihoon cut in, his bright pink hair hanging in his face. 

_'He's right. You're being a whiny bitch about this.'_

Seungcheol cleared his throat, gesturing with his fork in his hand, "That being said, if being called Kwannie makes you uncomfortable, We'll stop. Right?" He looked around the table, silently asking for an agreement. 

Agreeing responses were mumbled around the table. Seungkwan plastered on a polite smile, "Thank you, hyung," he mumbled, returning to his meal. He tried to keep it not obvious how disheartened he was. 

_'See? Your problems ARE stupid. They weren't being mean to you at all, at least they don't see it that way. Quit being so selfish and deal with it.'_

"About those news articles..." Chan murmured unprovoked, sipping his Gatorade. 

"Chan, no," Hansol whispered, elbowing him in the ribs. 

Clearly they didn't want to talk about it. 

The maknae looked up, confused, "What? I just wanna hear from Seungkwan-hyung himself what's been going on," -he whined, looking at Seungkwan- "Did you really fuck a teenage girl?"

"Chan!" Mingyu scolded under his breath. 

Seungkwan's eyes went as wide as saucers, "WHAT?! No no no no, I did not do that! Christ almighty, Chan..." -he shook his head, groaning- "Kyla and I are friends. Just friends. I'd had a bad day so she and I went and got ice cream. The paparazzi showed up and took some pictures. That's it."

A long, painful silence filled the room for a long time. Too long. It was almost a full minute before anyone spoke again.

"So, anyone up for a movie after dinner?" Seungcheol asked. 

•••

The following day was what Seungkwan could only describe as 'humiliating'. Walking through the Pledis building that morning was a treacherous feat; every single person he passed gave him stares of pity, judgement, or both.

Wonwoo told him to just ignore it, and for the most part he did. 

As he walked into the cafeteria, he spotted Kyla, making eye contact with her. 

The young girl's face was painted with worry; her eyebrows knitted together. She approached him, "Seungkwan-hyung.." She began, voice hoarse.

The blonde boy was in no mood to speak to anybody, "I'm sorry, Kyla," he managed to blurt out, before continuing his walk of shame through the building. 

When the boys arrived at the nice, empty practice room, Seungkwan heaved a sigh of relief. They were just about to start practicing when one of their managers walked in, his face red and shiny with sweat. 

The attention was now on the manager in anticipation for him to speak. He approached Seungkwan, standing quite uncomfortably close, "Boo, can you explain to me why you pulled that little stunt yesterday?" He asked accusingly, brows furrowed 

Seungkwan's hands were shaking, anxiety coursed through him, "I..um...I'm sorry, Sunbaenim, I just..." 

"You just what? You just swore at a fan in front of a bunch of cameras. You know how bad that is for your reputation? You're an idol, get your shit together," -he scolded, pointing a finger at the blonde boy- "Why? Why would you do that?"

The other guys watched in awkward silence. Seungkwan could feel a lump in his throat but he promised himself he would stop fucking crying so much, "Because I started having a panic attack and I freaked out and left," he blurted out. 

"What are you, some kinda psych patient? Normal people don't get panic attacks, Boo. IDOLS don't get panic attacks!" He spat, poking Seungkwan in the chest for emphasis. He turned to walk away, "Pull yourself together, Boo. I don't want this to happen again, I can't afford a weak link in this group," he grumbled as he left the room, slamming the door behind him. 

_'See? You are weak. Everyone knows it.'_

It took every fiber of Seungkwan's being not to cry right there. He could feel his face going beet red, his line of vision threatening to blur with tears.

_'You're such a pathetic little bitch. Everyone is mad at you. They're better off without you!'_

A hesitant silence filled the room until Wonwoo spoke up, taking a step toward Seungkwan, "Hey, Y'know he's wrong about what he said. You know that-" 

"-let's just..practice the choreo, ok?" Despite his best effort, his voice cracked with his words; hands struggling to stay steady. 

Seungcheol rubbed his forehead, "Seungkwan, are you sure you're ok, because he was really-"

"-I'm fine!" -the blonde boy cut him off- "Please! Dance Practice, OK?!" He was almost yelling at this point, voice hoarse, almost choked. He tried as hard as he could not to cry, nearly escaping more humiliation.

They were hesitant at first, before Seungcheol slowly nodded, "Oh-Ok, yeah let's practice," he said, smiling awkwardly.


	13. Worthless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONCE AGAIN MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING

Needless to say, it was the worst dance practice ever. Everyone was super awkward the whole time, and Seungkwan was basically fighting tooth and nail to keep from breaking out into tears randomly. He wanted nothing more that to be alone, to disappear. 

As soon as it was over, Seungkwan snatched up his backpack, booking it out of the practice room without any regard to the rest of the group. He speed walked all the way to the 2nd floor east wing bathroom, the most secluded bathroom in the building. Upon entering, he dumped his bag down on the counter, zipping it open and sifting through it hastily. 

The stress inside him was building with every passing moment. He needed to do it again. He NEEDED to do it again. 

He dug around his bag until he felt the zipper of a small pencil case that was in there. He pulled it out, unzipping it and retrieving his razor.   
He pulled up his left sweater sleeve, hesitating for a moment. He examined his arm, raising an eyebrow. 

_'You're running out of room.'_

He rolled the fabric back down, rolling up his right sleeve instead. He was now faced with a blank canvas to ruin. 

It was routine now; the blade sliced, searing pain, a new wound appeared, blood dropped into the sink. Seungkwan knew the drill far too well by this point. He welcomed the pain like an old friend.   
He kept going, the cuts got deeper and messier. His strokes becoming more sporadic as he grew increasingly more flustered. 

Seungkwan had long since let out the cries he'd been holding in for the last 3 hours. Hot, salty tears poured down his face, no attempt was made to stifle the sobs. 

He just kept going, the blade kept cutting; more blood continued to spill out of his arm until he was struggling to stand, leaning against the counter for support. 

Seungkwan didn't stop until he was 3/4 of the way up his forearm. Blood dripped down the destroyed skin, pooling at his palm and dripping off of his finger tips. The pain was more than any he'd expected, his arm was on fire. 

He stood there, waiting for the bleeding to stop, waiting for the crying to cease, trying his best not to collapse right there on the bathroom floor. The stress was suffocating him, choking him slowly. The pressure was gradually building up until he didn't know what to do with himself anymore. 

_'They'd be better off without you.'_

Seungkwan rinsed out the sink, wiping the counter clean of blood. He rolled his sleeve back down, the ripped skin stinging against the fabric of his sweater. 

He gathered his things, exiting the bathroom, and walking around like nothing happened. He went about the remainder of his day just like he would any other, struggling to make pleasantries; wearing a plastic smile. He hated it. Normal people didn't find it that difficult to simply be nice to people. Only Seungkwan, and he hated himself for it. 

_'Maybe you're just an asshole yah? That's probably why everybody hates you so much.'_

•••

After arriving back at the dorms, Seungkwan was greeted with cold silence, since everyone else had already gotten home.   
Jihoon sat on the stairs, writing lyrics.   
Junhui and Minghao were watching some Chinese drama in the kitchen.   
Everyone else was watching a movie in the living room.   
They didn't even notice him come in. 

Seungkwan didn't bother announcing his arrival, he went straight to his room, collecting some clean clothes, and heading to the bathroom to shower.

He let out a sigh of relief as the hot water enveloped him, causing the wounds on his arms to sting even more.   
His empty stomach ached, his legs felt like jelly beneath him, he braced himself against the wall of the shower to keep from collapsing.   
He closed his eyes, allowing his senses to falter, his mind to wander; the walls of the shower enclosing him in a cocoon of warmth and safety. 

*knock knock knock*

A hard banging on the bathroom door pulled him out of his trance. 

"Seungkwan, hurry up already! It's been like 20 minutes, I gotta pee!" Mingyu hollered from the hallway.

"Y-yeah sorry, I'll be right out!" Seungkwan announced in reply, shutting off the water to the shower. He quickly dried off, getting dressed and hurrying out of the bathroom. 

Once in his bedroom, he wasted no time climbing into bed and attempting to fall asleep. He was in no mood to talk to any of the other guys. His cuts burned and seared under his sweatshirt, he hopelessly tried to ignore it. His stomach ached, he hadn't eaten since yesterday. He was sweating profusely under his sweatshirt, too. 

•••

After Seungkwan finally left the bathroom, Mingyu hurriedly rushed in, filled with urgent panic...and a full bladder.   
After taking care of his business and washing his hands, the tall male noticed a neon pink zip up bag on the counter. 

"Must be Seungkwan's" he mumbled to himself, grabbing it off the counter. 

Unfortunately, it was unzipped. All of its contents spilled onto the counter. 

"Oh Shit!"

Mingyu hastily tried to shovel everything back inside, stopping cold in his tracks when he felt something sharp scrape up against his palm. 

"A straight razor?" He whispered to himself, inspecting the piece of steel with befuddlement and worry. 

He twirled it around in his fingers carefully. 

_'Wonwoo-hyung told us that Seungkwan was six months clean; What if...eh I'm probably being paranoid, I bet this came out of his shaving razor.'_

Mingyu put the rest of the stuff into Seungkwan's bag, zipping it up and putting it away, hardly giving a 2nd thought to what he found.


	14. Tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a bit short, I promise the last 3 will be longer and more interesting lol. This chapter is kinda boring (to me at least) but still pretty crucial to the story so yeah that's it lol

The next 2 days (Saturday and Sunday) went by in a bit of a blur. The group had the days off since Pledis inc. was remodeling. 

Naturally, Seungkwan remained in his room the entire time, either sleeping or pretending to sleep; leaving the confines of his bed only for lunches and dinners. 

Even when the everybody was going to go see a movie on Saturday night, Seungkwan stayed home. It got to the point where he could barely stand to be around anybody. 

Of course, he still loves the 12 boys with all of his heart, he loves his brothers more than anything in the world, but he knows that if he were with them, he'd only be ruining their fun. Seungkwan didn't want to be even more of a burden than he already is. 

The rest of the guys tried to press on and enjoy their weekend, despite Seungkwan's withdrawal from the group activities. By Sunday afternoon, Wonwoo had had enough of it. 

*knock knock knock*

"Seungkwan?" He asked gently, leaning against the younger's (and Junhui's) bedroom door. He received no response. 

*knock knock knock*

"Seungkwan, Please!" He pleaded, knocking again. He hardly waited for a response before bursting in, only to be met with a darkened room, illuminated only by a crack in the window curtains, which were drawn shut. 

Seungkwan was curled up on his bed, covered by his blanket, "What?" He mumbled, rolling over to face the older male. 

Wonwoo approached the younger, sitting on the foot of his bed, "Seungkwan you've hardly left your room in two days, what's going on?" He asked gently, adjusting his glasses. 

Seungkwan shook his head, "Nothing, I'm fine, just tired," he grumbled, not looking up. 

The black-haired male opened his mouth, as if to say something, but he thought it best not to. He patted Seungkwan's leg, standing up, "You know we're worried about you. If you ever want to talk...well yeah, if you ever want to talk, feel free," he explained, leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.  

_'See what you're doing? You're making them worry. You're such a terrible friend for doing this to them. You don't deserve people who care about you. They'd probably be so happy if you just went away.'_

Seungkwan continued to lay motionless in his bed for the rest of the night, only getting up to go to the bathroom or occasionally get water. He didn't have the energy or urgency to do anything, he dreaded having to go to work the next day. 

At some point, Junhui came in to tell him that it was time for dinner, "You really need to eat," he urged.

Seungkwan trudged into the dining room, hardly looking up from the floor. It took every ounce of energy he had to smile and say "I'm fine, just tired," when they asked how he felt. 

They still believed him. 

The table was weirdly silent for the entirety of the meal. Odd glances occasionally were thrown in Seungkwan's direction. 

_'Probably wishing you weren't here.'_

Seungkwan wasn't the slightest bit hungry anymore. The thought of food was repulsive to him now, it only made him think about getting fat. He picked at his rice noodles in an attempt to stall eating it. 

"Seungkwan, please eat. You're looking so sickly and frail these days," Soonyoung mumbled, motioning for him to eat. 

_'But that's what they wanted. They wanted you to lose weight and you did, but they're still not happy. Maybe it's just you, you'll never be good enough for them. They're better off without you.'_

Seungkwan groaned, forcing himself to eat a few bites in order to appease his hyung's wishes. Of course he slumped right back into his bedroom as soon as dinner was over. 

 

He tossed and turned in bed that night, terrible thoughts invading his mind like always. He was so sick of always hating himself and everything else, so tired of living with it. 

That's just it really. He was tired of going to bed every night wishing he'd never wake up. 

He was tired of being Seungkwan. 

He was tired of living..

and that night was the night he decided, once and for all, that he was gonna fix the problem permanently.


	15. Special

Seungkwan awoke bright and early the next morning, an unusual occurrence for him; he sat up in bed, drawing the curtains open and looking out the window. 

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, it was the perfect day. 

He hopped out of bed with a perplexing energy, getting dressed and heading into the kitchen. 

An hour later, the rest of the guys awoke to the delicious smell of pancakes and bacon wafting through the dorm; accompanied by upbeat, Broadway showtunes playing from the Bluetooth speakers. 

"Seungkwan-hyung, what is all this?" Chan asked, eyes wide with amusement as Seungkwan danced around the kitchen, spatula in hand. 

"I made us breakfast!" He announced, bringing a plate of pancakes into the dining room along with a bowl of cut up fruit and a pan of bacon.

The guys all sat down, excited smiles on their faces, digging into the delicious spread. 

"Seungkwan," Wonwoo began, shoveling a bite of food into his mouth, "This is incredible. You're like a completely different person from yesterday."

"I told you I was simply tired. I made breakfast to show how much I love and appreciate all of you guys," the blonde male explained, a delicate smile painting his face.

"You usually don't even eat breakfast," Hansol chuckled, sipping his coffee. 

Seungkwan bit his lip, glancing down at his plate. He shrugged, his shoulders slumping a bit, "Maybe today is an exception, today is special," he mumbled, smiling to himself as he bit into a piece of bacon. 

•••

After arriving at Pledis inc. that morning, Seungkwan made the extra effort to greet every idol and employee he came across; smiling and waving, exchanging pleasantries, the whole shebang.   
While some of the other members were a bit bewildered by this, they shrugged it off, assuming Seungkwan to just be having an unusually good day. 

By the time lunch rolled around, hardly one person in the building hadn't been given a personal greeting by Boo.   
After piling his plate high with all of his favorite foods (a hamburger, a dr. Pepper, some pocky, and a vanilla pudding), Seungkwan grabbed Wonwoo by the wrist and led him to a secluded table in the corner of the cafeteria. 

There sat only one person. 

"Hey, Kyla!" Seungkwan announced, plopping himself down at the table next to her, motioning for Wonwoo to do the same, "Hyung, I don't believe you two have formally met. This is Kyla, from Pristin. Kyla, this is Wonwoo," he explained, sipping on his soda. 

The two shook hands. 

"Actually, Seungkwan-hyung has told me quite a bit about you," Kyla smiled, glancing in Seungkwan's direction. 

"Really? Ok...Seungkwan why DID you call us here to meet have lunch?" He asked, immediately realizing how off-putting he sounded, "Not that I'm not happy to meet you, of course," he said, turning back toward Kyla. 

"I just thought it'd be good to have a nice, quiet lunch with my two best friends!" He beamed, his gaze shifting between the two. 

"Oh..ok yeah this is nice," the black haired male replied awkwardly, taking a bite of his sandwich. After an awkwardly long silence, he spoke again, "Kyla, did I just hear you call him 'hyung'?"

"Well it would be kinda weird for me to call him Oppa.."

"I suppose that's true. It's quite unusual though, for a girl to say hyung, kinda caught me off guard."

"Yes well most people have a similar reaction. Y'know, the girls in my group have not stopped talking about Seungkwan ever since he spent the night at our dorm."

"Really? Now, how many girls are in your dorm again? I'm just curious because with us, 13 people it one dorm can just get so crazy, and don't get me started on the CLEANINGS oh my goodness..."

Seungkwan had long since stopped listening to his friends conversation. He'd zoned out into his own world. 

_'This is really nice. Maybe Wonwoo-hyung and Kyla can be friends after you...well..'_

Seungkwan shook the thought out of his head, bringing himself back to reality. He took another bite of his burger. 

_'Damn this is good. You've missed food like this, huh? Enjoy it while it lasts, enjoy everything while it lasts...'_

•••

After lunch, they boys had dance practice.   
Same as always, 3 hours, same choreo.  

"Seungkwan your dancing was fantastic today!" Soonyoung complimented, beaming with pride.

Seungkwan shrugged it off in an attempt to appear humble, "Oh, thank you, hyung. It wouldn't've been possible without such a great choreographer," he said, gesturing toward Soonyoung. 

"What's gotten into you today? You've been so nice to everyone, it's not like you," Jihoon pointed out bluntly, putting his hands into his hips. 

"I guess I'm just..having a special kind of day," the blonde answered simply, flashing a cheeky smirk as he gathered his things. 

"Ok..I'm thinking Mexican for dinner tonight. Who's with me?" Seungcheol asked abruptly, grasping the attention of the room. 

His question was met with hoots and hollers all around, including Seungkwan, "That sounds great!" He agreed, running a hand through his hair. 

•••

In the restaurant, all 13 of them were sat around a large table. The restaurant was quiet, due to the fact that people don't usually frequent mom 'n pop Mexican restaurants at 9:00pm on Mondays. 

Seungkwan's eyes wandered around the table, studying the 12 men sitting with him; as if he was trying to memorize their faces. 

He never noticed before how Jeonghan bit his lip when he laughed really hard. 

He never noticed before how often Chan cracks his knuckles. 

He never noticed before how Wonwoo's eyebrow twitches when he's upset. 

Someone said something funny, making everyone at the table erupt with laughter. Seungkwan took the time to appreciate how happy all of them looked. He almost wished this dinner could last forever.   
Before he knew it, Seungkwan could feel a smile spread across his face. 

"What're you smiling about?" Seokmin asked, playfully elbowing him in the arm. 

Seungkwan turned to look at him sharply, "Just thinking about how much I love all of you guys, and how great this is."

"Yah, you're right! I propose a toast..to us...to family!" Seungcheol announced, standing up from his seat, lifting his glass of water above his head. 

"TO FAMILY!" Everyone else repeated, half-jokingly. 

•••  
Once they all arrived back at the dorm, the members all dispersed to do their own thing, Jihoon had to finish writing a song, Seungcheol had to make some phone calls, and Hansol had to call his mom. 

Everyone else was going to bed. After showering and putting some fresh clothes on, Seungkwan went over to Wonwoo's room, gently knocking on the door, "Hyung?"

"Come on in," a voice answered from inside. 

The tall, black-haired male as sitting cross legged in his bed, nose buried in a book, as usual. 

Seungkwan shut the door behind him, sitting next to him and grabbing his attention. 

"What up?" The older asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion. 

"Hyung, I know I already said it earlier, but I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and you're my best friend and I love you, ok?" 

Wonwoo glanced at the floor, then back at Seungkwan, he gave an awkward smile, "Y-yeah, that...means a lot. I love you too, man. Just..how come you're being so lovey-dovey all of the sudden?"

"..Well...I went out of my way to be nice to everyone today because some of those people probably really needed to hear it. Someone could've been having a really bad day and me giving them a compliment or something might've made their day slightly better," he explained, smiling weakly. 

Wonwoo smiled back, adjusting his glasses, "That's really awesome," he mumbled in reply, reaching out to grab Seungkwan's hand, "You're really awesome."

Seungkwan tightened his grip on the older's hand, locking eyes with him. They stayed that way for a long time. 

Too long. 

"Well, I really should head off to bed, yeah?" Seungkwan sighed, abruptly standing up from the bed, making his way toward the door, he turned back around to look at the older, smiling gently, "Goodnight, hyung."

Wonwoo's mouth twisted into a genuine smile, "Goodnight."

•••

2:30AM. 

Junhui awoke from his slumber, his mouth as dry as the Sahara Desert. His eyes slowly opened, scanning the dark room; he groggily sat up, climbing down the ladder of his top bunk. 

Landing with a *thud* on the hardwood floor, he cringed, hoping he didn't wake Seungkwan, who was asleep in the bottom bunk.   
He glanced over to check and make sure his roommate was still asleep.

_'Umm'_

Seungkwan's bed was empty. Not just empty, but MADE. 

_'What?'_

The Chinese boy approached the bed slowly, struggling to see in the darkness. The room was illuminated only by the incoming moonlight.   
On top of the bed sat...Seungkwan's phone...and his wallet...AND HIS RING.

**_'Oh NO.'_ **

Next to the ring, laid a small piece of paper. Even in the darkness, Junhui could still make out the messy, bold words. 

 

**I'M SORRY**

 

Junhui's heart fell into his stomach, his breath hitching, his blood running frigid. He stormed out of the bedroom, running up and down the hallway, banging on every door, "GUY GET THE FUCK IN HERE ITS AN EMERGENCY!" He shoulded over and over, dread spreading through him since he knew

Exactly 

What

 

Was

 

Happening.


	16. Gone

"Ugh Junhui, what the hell are you on about?" Seungcheol loudly grumbled as he exited his room, turning on the fluorescent hallway light, he squinted at the sudden brightness, putting a hand over his eyes. 

Still infested with sleep, the other guys all-too-slowly left their bedrooms, moaning and groaning in a state of exhausted bewilderment as they poured into Junhui and Seungkwan's room. 

"Seungkwan! It's Seungkwan!" Junhui shouted, his voice cracking. Anxiety coursed though him, his hands shaking as he held the note. 

Wonwoo's blood ran cold at the mention of his best friend's name, he stormed across the room, pushing past everyone, practically shoving Junhui against the wall, "What?! Where is he?! W-w-what happened?!" His voice was raspy, the black-haired boy suspiciously squinted around the room because  he didn't have his glasses. 

"He's gone. His bed is all made, his stuff is here and he left a note...H-he took off his ring," The Chinese boy explained to them, tears threatening to form in his eyes. 

Jeonghan gulped, brushing his hair out of his face, cheeks flushed with crimson, "You don't think he's..." He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence, but they all knew what he meant. 

"He might," -Minghao spoke up suddenly- "The other day, I walked by the room and heard him talking to himself. He said something like 'they're better off without me', at first I thought I was hearing things, so I brushed it off, but now it all kinda makes sense."

"I saw something, too," Mingyu rasped, his eyes fixed on the floor, he took a step forward, drawing the attention of the room, "Yesterday, I found a straight razor in his toiletry bag," -he explained meekly- "I thought it just came off of his shaving razor..."

"Wait, you really think he's gonna try and kill himself?" -Jihoon asked abruptly, causing gasps to be heard around the room just at the mention of the worst case scenario- "You guys know Seungkwan is a drama queen, he probably just went for a walk to clear his head. I bed he'll be back by morning."

The other 11 guys proceeded to just glare at him angrily. 

"Then how do you explain the note?!" Junhui asked, shoving the piece of paper in Jihoon's face, "If he's...doing what I think he's doing..We have to find him."

"Where would we even begin to look for him? Maybe he's at the Pledis building!" Jisoo suggested, pacing across the small bedroom, a nervous hand rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Why would he be there? Maybe he's on a bridge somewhere?" Chan asked, wiping a few years from his cheeks. The maknae had long since been crying due to the situation at hand.

After several moments, and his mind firing on all cylinders, Wonwoo was struck with a horrifying realization, it hit him like a train, really, "I know where he is," he murmured, but they didn't hear him, they just continued arguing, "I KNOW WHERE HE IS!" He loudly repeated, bolting out of the room at full speed. 

He reached the front door, putting on the first pair of shoes he could pick up, he fumbled around the living room coffee table for a set of keys, which was difficult considering it was dark and he didn't have his glasses. 

Wonwoo got ahold of a set of keys, he bolded out the front door, booking it down the stairs and out of the apartment building.   
After getting into the van he skidded out of the parking lot, flooring it down the highway, "Please, please be there Seungkwan, I'm coming," he whimpered under his breath, struggling to drive with his impaired vision. 

It was pouring rain at the time, trails of lightning decorated the dark sky. The wind was making the trees sway heavily, it was like the worst possible scenario for driving conditions.

He kept driving, his heart racing wildly, a lump forming in his throat. His hands were shaking at the wheel, "Please hold on for me, Seungkwan," he whispered. 

After the longest 10 minutes of his life, he pulled into the desired parking lot on two wheels, looking up at the skyscraper above him. The one where they shot the dance practice video. 

Wonwoo jumped out of the van, racing toward the building, the rain pouring down onto him, "You better fucking still be up there."


	17. ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING ONCE AGAIN FOR THE SUICIDE STUFF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The last chapter. The thrilling conclusion to this story.

Wonwoo ran to catch an elevator, pressing a button for the 50th floor, the top floor. It moved all too slowly, he paced back and forth in the confined space, wiping the tears off his face as he stifled a sob. The doors finally opened, he raced across the hallway, running up the short flight of stairs up to the rooftop, practically breaking down the door. 

"Seungkwan! Seungkwan!" Wonwoo shouted hopelessly, the thunderstorm drowning him out. He ran out to the middle of the rooftop, anxiety coursing through him. The cold rain sent shivers down his spine. On the opposite end of the roof, he could just barely make out a dark figure, standing motionless, right on the edge of the building. He ran towards it, "Seungkwan! Seungkwan!" He yelled breathlessly through a cracking voice. 

The figure slowly turned around, it was the boy in question.  
His white tshirt was soaked see-through, bleached hair slicked to his forehead. His empty gaze shifted between the man standing below him and the ground, 600 feet below him on the other side, "What are you doing? How did you know to come here?!" He shouted, his voice void of emotion. He wiped some water off of his face, cheekily dangling one foot over the edge of the building, only setting it back down when he saw the look of panic on Wonwoo's face. 

"Seungkwan, please get down from there," The older began, not really knowing what else to say.

Seungkwan passively replied, "No."

Wonwoo was taken aback by his tone, "I-uh...Are you really gonna jump off?" He asked awkwardly, stepping up onto the ledge next to him, immediately stepping back off once he looked down, "Damn, I forgot I was afraid of heights..." He mumbled to himself. 

The younger laughed dryly, turning to face him, "I appreciate you coming to try and stop me, but I'd really rather you not be here to see the corpse. That could scar you for life, Y'know," he gave a half smirk, putting his hands on his hips. Seungkwan bore a special kind of blissful arrogance that Wonwoo had never seen him have before. 

"Please don't call yourself "the corpse"," he whined, rolling his eyes. 

Seungkwan smiled at him, though the smile lacked any sign of happiness or intrigue, "And to answer your question, yes, clearly I am going to jump, and I'd rather you not be here to see the aftermath."

Wonwoo carefully stepped back onto the ledge, inching closer to Seungkwan, "I'm not going anywhere unless you're coming with me"

"Then either you're gonna be here a while, or I'm gonna push you off this building," he replied bluntly, chuckling at his morbid joke. 

Wonwoo furrowed his eyebrows, shaking his head, "How can you be so casual right now?"

Seungkwan let out a breathy laugh, shuffling a couple inches closer to the edge, making Wonwoo tense up, "Please just leave, hyung."

"Why do you want to do this? Tell me. TELL ME WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS!" Wonwoo yelled through the loud storm, the sudden surge of anger surprising both of them. 

Seungkwan's hands clenched into fists, "PLEASE JUST LEAVE!" He yelled back, cautiously backing away from the older. 

"TELL ME WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS!" The black-haired male ordered, the cold wind and rain sending shivers down his spine.

Seungkwan turned to face him, "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!" He boomed, voice cracking, "I'm tired! I'm tired of being depressed all the time, I'm tired of hating myself, I'm tired of being such a burden to everyone around me! I'M TIRED OF LIVING!" He let out a loud sob, putting a hand over his mouth to try and stifle it. 

Wonwoo could see his tears, even through the rain. He took a step closer to the crying boy, reaching his hand out toward him, in hopes that he'd grab it. 

Seungkwan only backed away, "Stop it, _**just stop it**_! I'm not coming home with you so just give up already!"

"How long...have you felt like this?" Wonwoo loudly asked, shuffling his feet as far from the edge as he could. 

The younger hesitated, glancing at the pavement several dozen feet beneath them, "My-my whole life," he stuttered, staring back at Wonwoo with wide eyes, letting out a choked sob, "A-are you surprised?! I'M NOT MEANT TO BE AN IDOL! I'm lazy, weak, desperate, ruined, hopeless, irrational, risky, naive, isolated, broken, empty, crazy, worthless, and tired! I just..I just wanna be-"

"-Gone?" The black-haired man cut him off, eyes wide. 

The younger simply nodded, sniffling, "Not to mention, I can see how much I annoy you guys. You're better off without me.."

Wonwoo lurched forward, grabbing Seungkwan tightly by the wrist, "Hey!" He boomed, once again startling the younger, "Boo Seungkwan, you are one of the best things that's ever happened to this group! Before you came along, I was too shy to speak to anyone. You helped me to come out of my shell. Before you, Jihoon and Seokmin would fight all the time, YOU got them to be friends! YOU are the one that first told Soonyoung-hyung that he'd make a good choreographer. YOU are the one who convinced Seungcheol-hyung to be the leader of the group!  
Seventeen would be nothing without you!"

Seungkwan shook his head, "No, that's just not true. You guys are better off without me-"

Wonwoo interrupted him once again, "Boo Seungkwan, we love you. We all love you so much. All the guys..and Kyla...and me," he trailed off, "I would never, ever forgive myself if I let you jump off of this building; I love you...I can't lose you," he explained, letting go of Seungkwan's hand and slowly stepping off of the ledge. 

Seungkwan was quiet for several seconds, a fresh wave of tears welling up in his eyes. He looked over the edge of the building, then back at Wonwoo; he went back and forth for almost a full minute. 

"P-please, Seungkwan...For me," the older whispered, mostly to himself, his vision clouding with tears. 

Seungkwan shakily stepped off of the ledge, practically falling into Wonwoo's open arms, both of them collapsing onto the concrete ground, Seungkwan practically sitting in his lap.  
"I'm sorry," The younger hoarsely whispered into his hyung's ear, letting out a series of sobs, some restrained and choked, some loud, "I'm so, so sorry!"  
He clung onto Wonwoo with all of his remaining strength, fingers curled around the hem of his jacket for purchase, head buried in his chest. His entire body was shaking, partly from the emotional overload, partly from the cold; despite his face being red hot from the crying. 

"It's..it's gonna be ok, Seungkwan, it's alright," Wonwoo cooed, holding onto him as tight as he could. Holding him like he'd never let go, he wouldn't dare let him go. 

The two stayed there, sitting on the roof of a skyscraper, clinging to each other for dear life, sobbing. It went on for a long time,

But it wasn't too long. 

Eventually, Seungkwan's sobs died down. Eventually, he found the strength to let go of Wonwoo.  
Eventually, the rain had stopped. 

The sky began to clear, the moon making its presence known again. The night sky was decorated with a million stars. 

Seungkwan held onto Wonwoo's hands, "I'm sorry...for everything I put you through, for being such a drama queen-"

"Seungkwan, listen to me. This, all of this," -Wonwoo gestured to the rooftop on which they sat- "everything you've done," -he gestured toward Seungkwan's exposed cuts on his arms- "this is NOT 'you being a drama queen'. This is a real problem," he explained, restraining himself from raising his voice at the younger. 

Seungkwan nodded, "I know, I _am_ a problem-"

"-No no no. YOU are not a problem, but you HAVE a problem. Totally different. Seungkwan, please-and I cannot stress this enough-PLEASE promise me you'll go see a therapist. Promise me you'll get some help," he begged, squeezing Seungkwan's hands in his, "Please, Seungkwan. Please do that for me."

The younger glanced down at the ground, slowly nodding, "Yeah..I'll get some help," he said, smiling weakly. 

Wonwoo wrapped his arms around Seungkwan again, hands clawing at his soaked, white tshirt, nuzzling his face into the blonde boy's shoulder, "Thank you. Thank you!" He whispered through choked sobs, his breath ragged, "I can't lose you, Seungkwan. We can't lose you. We were stupid to not notice that something was wrong."

"I forgive you," Seungkwan sighed, his voice barely above a whisper, "Can..can we...why don't we get out of here?" He asked after a long pause, resting his head on Wonwoo's chest. 

The older male smirked, adjusting his glasses, "First of all, I should probably text the guys and tell them you're gonna be ok. Secondly, it's 4:00AM, where would we go?" He ruffled Seungkwan's rain-soaked hair, patting him on the shoulder. 

The younger hesitated for a moment, sitting up in front of the other, grabbing onto his hand, "Why don't we go to 7/11 and get some ice cream?" He asked, his eyes lighting up. Ice cream was exactly what he needed at the moment. 

Wonwoo smiled, his grip on Seungkwan's hand tightening, "Whatever you want."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been fun, guys. I hate to see this story end but hopefully something new will be up soon (: 
> 
> Not to self promote, but there are some other works in this series that I'd love for you to check out. It's the series call Angsty SVT fics (pretty self explanatory) so yeah that's it lol.  
> Bye! (:


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